BERKELEY, Calif. – With March comes Women’s History Month, an annual period dedicated to recognizing the inspirational role women have played throughout history. Cal fraternities are ensuring plans to honor the occasion.

“We at Sigma Alpha Epsilon absolutely love women,” stated brother Luka Dobbs. “We even have a cup formation in beer pong in their honor: ‘tight pussy’– you’re welcome, ladies. To uplift them this month, we will be hosting some parties, but as per protocol, only those who receive bids can partake. Women’s liberation is awesome, and if we as a brotherhood decide you are fuckable, then you can come celebrate that liberation with us.” 

DKE member Billy Goat elaborated further.

“Bids may seem annoying to some people, but that’s because they don’t realize how important they are. We have to enforce the bid system so that we don’t get called on by the City of Berkeley for being a ‘fire hazard,’ or for ‘endangering students’ lives.’ I’m the Risk Chair for my fraternity, and I doubt any of these women can comprehend how stressful that is.” He scoffed. “Like, if a woman decides to ‘report’ something that happened in our house, it’s on me to deal with it, which is just the worst. I have to go get a very stern talking to from IFC, so you can imagine how mentally taxing that is.” 

Goat continued, “And don’t get me started on PHC, always saying things about our ‘poor risk management practices.’ They literally need to chill. Like, we give the consent talk. What more do you want from us? To actually internalize that information? Please.” He shook his head. “Look, I’m all for throwing a party to celebrate women, I just hope they can understand all of the stuff we have to deal with to do so.”

Fellow DKE brother Josh Park shared his thoughts surrounding Women’s History Month (unprompted): 

“I love women so much. But the ones that wear showy clothing. . . I don’t know. They’re hot, yeah, but would I want to actually date one? Seems a little impure to dress so promiscuously. Personally, I find it hard to be sexually attracted to women I actually have feelings for.”

At press time, it seemed that no, no fraternity member has ever heard of the Madonna-whore complex, and yes, blondes will be guaranteed bids.

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