We’ve all been there: A friend, or perhaps an eager Tinder match, invites you to spend time walking around the Berkeley Fire trails as if it’s not one of the top seven most humiliating experiences one could be subjected to in front of an acquaintance. The Free Peach is here for you– here’s some ways you can avoid the whole ordeal altogether!
- My apologies! I sprained my ankle– maybe next week?
- Sorry, I have lice!
- I’m grounded ://
- Sorry, no. Would you rather just watch me crawl around on all fours like a little dog? Is that what you want? To humiliate me? Want me to bite your shoes and eat food off the floor like a stupid little animal? Is that what you want?
- One time I was hiking the fire trails with my friend and an enormous, razor-sharp spear fell from the sky onto my friend’s head. Stunned, and rendered completely useless, I was unable to help her as she lay in my arms convulsing and bleeding out. I looked to the horizon. An army of rodents the size of medium-size cats had gathered and were squeaking in a strange and foreign language. I could only discern one phrase from their body language– “Get out of our territory.” I dropped my friend, knowing the rats would only allow one of us to live, and it was going to have to be me. I left the area with a swiftness only life-or-death adrenaline could ever gift me, and never looked back. I miss her everyday, and sometimes I wonder if the rodents ever buried her, or if they just left her to die. Did she rot on those trails, her body bloated and marred by the local wildlife, decaying forever under the unforgiving heat of the sun? Could she have maybe survived to live among the rats? That’s besides the point. Thanks for the invitation, but I’m never going back to those trails again.
- Sorry, I already went earlier today. Let’s go next week, yeah?