BERKELEY, Calif. – Yogurt Park patrons breathed a collective deep sigh on Tuesday upon realizing the best flavor was, in fact, sugar-free.
“This happens basically every time I go here,” junior Chris Bauman reported while he went to town on a chocolate/vanilla swirl with Skittles and walnuts. “I see something like ‘Strawberry Cheesecake’ or ‘Brown Sugar’ on the board, then realize that it’s sugar-free. It’s disgusting. It makes me not want to immediately pour my spare change into the tip jar. It’s false advertising! Clearly-labeled, heavily-disclaimed false advertising!”
Yogurt Park employees seem indifferent to the complaints.
“So what, you wanna try frozen yogurt that tastes like Cake Batter? You wanna figure out how we distilled the essence of God into God-flavored froyo?” Alpha Phi sophomore Emily Enparris asked while cramming a certainly unhealthy, likely unsafe quantity of Butterfinger shards into a 6 oz cup. “Nobody’s stopping you! If you’re so miffed about it being sugar-free, just put one of our 648 sugar-blasted toppings into it. Hell, we have straight-up sugar as a topping! Just eat your God-froyo with sugar and cookie dough, for fuck’s sake!”
At least one Yogurt Park patron, however, has sought to challenge the popular pro-sugar sentiment.
“Listen: if it makes you mad, you’re going to Yogurt Park for the wrong reasons,” Cal senior Andy Ho claimed. “You don’t go to Yogurt Park for the sugar. Or the yogurt. Or the toppings. Or the affordable prices. Or the massive portions. Or the excellent service. Or the variety of flavors. Or the topping selection. Or the gratification of the thought of putting your mouth right up to the yogurt dispenser as you pull the lever. Or the convenient location. Or the rich history. Or the embedded toppings. Or the classic paper cups. Or the free napkins. No, you go to Yogurt Park for one reason and one reason alone: you simply don’t give a shit that you’re lactose intolerant and you want to feel alive. That’s why you go to Yogurt Park.”
As of press time, Yogurt Park’s flavors include Ghirardelli Chocolate, Vanilla Cream, Sugar-Free Cake Batter, Yogurt-Free Baja Blast, Fat-Free Mommy Milk, and an experimental flavor simply called “Gun.”