BERKELEY, Calif. – On campus today, one big student athlete was spotted whizzing around on his adorable little scooter.
“Nobody gets us,” whispered football linebacker Hulk Jacobson to his scooter as they flew up Bancroft. “They don’t understand the challenge of walking to class after a grueling practice. None of them could possibly comprehend the physical toll. But you know. You support me.” The scooter whirred happily as Jacobson continued. “Like, I’m sorry that my muscles are sore from getting us absolute L’s out on the field.” The scooter shot him a look. “The football season has been a little rough.”
The pair looked both ways before crossing Piedmont, then Jacobson went on.
“I work so hard for my team and then, on top of everything, I still have to go to school. My tutor supplied by the athletics department has been really stressing me out with all of the extra help and one-on-one time they want to give me. Plus, my personal nutritionist told me yesterday that my lunch was ‘lacking in fiber and non-burrito nutrients.’ Basically, everyone is out to get me. The only thing that makes the grind worth it is you,” said Jacobson, looking down at the scooter. He carefully parked it outside Memorial Stadium and gingerly placed a kiss on its handle.
As Jacobson walked through Memorial Stadium’s pearly gates, the scooter looked on lovingly. Once he was through, it turned.
“Listen. You. I can take the dirty looks, alright?” the scooter coldly hissed at passerby. “But don’t you dare do that to Hulk. People see us together and they laugh. They think, ‘Ha. What a small scooter. The handles barely graze that guy’s crotch. Those proportions are comically off.’ Well hardy-har-har. You’d be lucky to graze my guy’s crotch.” It shook its head. “They think, ‘Ha. That big guy doesn’t know how to walk.’ Yeah, well, it may have taken him five years to learn, but guess what, now he does know. And he’s damn good at it!” The scooter took a pause and sighed, looking out pensively towards the Bay. “That man has done more for me than you will ever know. Before he took me in, I was going to be one of Duffl’s harlots. I will defend Hulk to my grave.”
Jacobson and his scooter will be celebrating their eighteen-month anniversary next week at the bike rack in front of Chez Panisse. More updates to come.