BERKELEY, Calif. — In a Friday announcement, Chancellor Carol clarified campus’ intentions for the upcoming People’s Park construction.

“I am pleased to share with you that today the Regents of the University of California voted to approve our plans for a new People’s Park. We are grateful for the Regents’ endorsement and can now rest easy in knowing that we have somebody to blame when the shit hits the fan,” Christ reassured the public in a campus-wide email. “We know this project is controversial. We’ve heard your voices, we’ve heard your concerns, and we want to pretend like we care.”

Chancellor Christ went on to address some of those concerns.

“Many have asked: who will benefit? Wouldn’t it make more sense and save more money just to reduce enrollment to prior numbers? Well, this isn’t about the money. The New People’s Park will not contain people; the New People’s Park will not contain park. The New People’s Park will contain that most oppressed class in society: buildings! Glorious, glorious buildings! And maybe, someday, we’ll all be able to look at People’s Park and say ‘Hey, people live here.’”

Chancellor Christ later added that the site would be a new testing site for the College of Environmental Design to implement benches with no seats, only handlebars.

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