BERKELEY, Calif. – After suffering years of abuse from Tap Haus patrons slamming sauerkraut and hotlinks down their gullets, Top Dog announced he had enough. In a press conference called to address the fuck-ass contruction outside of Artichoke’s, Top Dog bravely came out: “I’m a bottom.”
“Just because I have all these condom…ints, doesn’t mean I always want to be the Top dawg in bed. Sometimes, I just want to be Kingpinn-ed to my backboard. I am tired of these narratives being thrust on me. What I really want is something thrust in me,” the lengthy link—standing at an impressive six foot eight inches—sputtered out over a folding table covered in laminated libertarian manifestos. “No one expects the Artichoke’s ‘Hot Sicilian’ to be Luigi fucking Mangione when they cough up their eight dollars. So why am I being put into these boxes…these Bunz.”
Top Dog has long been known for their lack of customer service skills—famously offering patrons an eye-roll, a muttered slur, and a printed-out essay about why OSHA regulations are communist. “I came in drunk one night and asked for extra relish,” said local student Neha J. “And the cashier handed me a flyer titled ‘Ayn Rand and the Relish of Self-Reliance.’ I didn’t get my food, but I did get verbally eviscerated for believing in sidewalks.”
Still, many local business entities continue to praise Top Dog’s bold approach to customer communication as well as their raw vulnerability. The Carrot from Mezzo and the Zebra from Zebra Body Piercing were among the first to publicly praise Dog for taking on Telegraph’s prescriptive norms.
Others were less supportive, including the King himself: “I don’t go around making my sex life my whole personality. Sure, I enjoy an occasional glaze. Nobody would buy my Boston Creams if they weren’t filled. But there’s no need to yell it from the rooftops,” Kingpin criticized, polishing his crown while inconspicuously caressing day-old donut holes.
Top Dog, however, seems unaffected by the haters. “Whatever, man,” he remarked, while flipping eight garlic frankfurters on a hot griddle. “Hole: Loose. Bank Account: full. This is the start of a brand new chapter for me. I know somewhere out there—in some cart, in New York City, there’s a scared, lonely Chicken-Apple waiting to live life out loud. Proud. As my friend Taco Bell Cantina always says…Live Más.”
At press time, Top Dog was seen yelling at a customer for asking for a second napkin, citing it as a “handout” and warning against the rise of Marxist bottom tyranny.