TOKELAND, Calif. — The blunt had barely kissed his lips when freshman Jimmy Pendrix took one hit, exhaled, and immediately let out a ruptured-lung cough that derailed the entire rotation and permanently altered the group’s perception of him as a man.
“He sounded like he was dying and apologizing for it at the same time,” said witness and Hi-Fidelity employee, Penjamina Jolie. “I offered to get him some water, but he sputtered out a ‘no’ before accidentally spitting on the entire group like an Orca at SeaWorld. Coincidentally, all of our clothes got wet like we were in the front-row at an afternoon show at SeaWorld where the underfed whales murder their trainer. This was just as horrifying.”
“Mesa was secondhand embarrassed,” said weed enthusiast and former Naboo-resident, Jar Jar Blinks. “Mesa hears coughing all the way from across da road. Mesa thinkin’ someone chokin’, but den mesa look over and—uh oh—him blowin’ out lungs! Mesa would haten to smoken with him.”
Others in the rotation, like Penry VIII, defended Pendrix. “When the church tried to disrespect me, you know what I did? killed another wife.” Penry VIII said, swirling a Yerba Mate like it was wine. “Never let others disrespect you. A cough merely means the strain is potent. That it has real grit. Everyone’s acting like Jimmy pissed in the bong. The real crime here is the performance. If you’re going to cough, own it.”
At press time, Pendrix was seen woefully lighting a recovery blunt with shaking hands while hooked to a ventilator at UCSF’s Center for Unparalleled Loserdom.