BERKELEY, Calif.— On Friday afternoon, chaos erupted in Evans Hall when Math 16B GSI Keith Shepard was caught pleasuring himself with 50 printed out sheets of his mid-semester teaching evaluations in the first-floor bathroom.
The GSI in question, graduate student Keith Shepard, was identified with help of his Twitter account @SUBtraction and its detailed bio — “berkeley phd candidate, dog lover, degradee. not necessarily in that order.” The stack of teaching evaluations ranged from comments like “wont stop talking about how an organic chemistry tutor stole his video ideas” and “went to his office hours once and he wouldn’t stop crying??”
“Well, I didn’t see this coming from Keith,” said his advisor, Professor John David. “He was always quiet in meetings. I suppose he did always seem strangely excited when I would critique his research — you would think a PhD candidate would know how to carry the one, but I digress.”
Advocates from Americans Against Kink Shaming (AAAKS) were quick to come to Shepard’s defense.
“Title VII of the Civil Rights Act protects employees from sex discrimination in the workplace. At AAKS, we think this protection should expand to cover people who have ‘Degradee’ in their top three results on bdsmtest.org,” President Amelia Jackson claimed, sipping from a mug that read ‘If I Wanted Vanilla I’d Get An Ice Cream.’ “Besides, the wage gap is a thing of the past! Americans need to start focusing on real issues.”
Despite vocal support from AAKS and Shepard’s 47 Twitter followers, his students hold more mixed feelings.
“I mean, I’m kind of wary of criticizing him after he was caught…I wrote a particularly heated course eval that was definitely in his wank bank,” said campus sophomore Derek Vitive. “But, I do hope that this means the curve for our midterm is good ‘cause I got a 42. Is this interview for the news? Do you think you could plug a survey for my club?”
At press time, Stephens issued a statement via his Twitter, in which he wrote “im gagged…..deactivating tn.”