Excuse me? 

What the fuck did you just say to me, you fascist piece of shit?

If I heard you correctly (and believe me, I hope I didn’t), you just said, “1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war.”

As in, you—unilaterally, without the consent of the governed or the approval of a single democratic body—have decided to declare war against my thumb.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we have a Constitution in this country. And in that Constitution (specifically, in Article I, Section 8), it says that only Congress has the right to declare war. 

So you can take your illegal, immoral, unconstitutional ‘thumb war’ and shove it, you goddamned totalitarian fuckface.

Robert E. Lee didn’t assassinate George V just so wannabe dictators like you could prance around declaring wars on a whim. This is a government of the people, for the people, by the people. As the late slave owner Thomas Jefferson once said, “the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

So let this be your final warning, tyrant. If you insist on going ahead with this criminal war, I will not hesitate to fertilize the tree of liberty with your blood.  I will beat your knuckles red, white, and blue. I will oppose and depose your freedom-hating digit faster than you can say ‘coup d’é-fucking-thumb.’ I will unleash all manner of ‘armed conflict’ and ‘special military operation’ upon your ass until it resembles the Star-Spangled Banner. There will be no escape from my righteous, patriotic, all-American fury. 

5-6-7-8, you’re fucking dead, mate.

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