This is all to say that I think that I should get all of the clout and attention of the student athletes. We share so many attributes like not being paid for our daily hardships (mine being my ten minute walk between classes, theirs being a silly little three hour morning practice before a full day of classes). If my request is denied, I will take matters into my own hands (which, by the way, I did not use at all while walking up the stairs) and borrow my sister’s volleyball knee pads so it looks like I’m injured. I will then proceed to wear said knee brace over my jeans so that I can reasonably justify calling myself an Uber in between classes without feeling like I’m out of shape.
Berkeley Thrifters Immune to Earthquakes Due to How Retrofitted They Are
“I was sitting in my car in one of the Nobel laureate parking spots, dreaming of a future where I could go there during the day and not in the dead of night when nobody would tow me, when everything came together: the earthquake didn’t want to shake that student because it didn’t want to damage their vintage Rick Owens.”
OPINION: I Should Be Allowed To Steal Things From Time to Time
If I want to steal one of those gentrifier metal stools from Super Duper Burgers or between 10-33 of the VLSB dinosaur bones, I should be able to. After all, I am the protagonist and everything is part of MY movie. But for some reason, according to an email from the office of Carol Christ, I’m apparently “banned from every restaurant, store, and classroom in the Berkeley metropolitan area for obvious reasons.”
REPORT: Nobel Laureate Really Sucks at Parking
Do you recall the Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989? The Little Ice Age? The Big Bang? No, no, of course you don’t. You have never seen truly terrible parking.
Holy Shit: GSI Just Cursed in Front of His Students Because He’s Chill Like That
BERKELEY, Calif. – Jaws and pencils hit the floor today when GSI Daniel Leaver dropped an f-bomb in front of his students, signaling far and wide that yeah, he’s pretty effing chill.
OPINION: My Tummy Hurts and I Really Need Someone to Care About It
If I don’t make it, let these, my last words, make their way to the public and let the public know that today, they lost a brave soldier. (But also if someone brought me some Tums or something I might be fine?)
Five Irish Jigs That Will Definitely Get You Her Snapchat
There’s no wrong place to bust out a good old Irish jig. Think about it—when was the last time you thought, “why is that person polka dancing in the middle of Sproul?” That’s right, you haven’t! We know life gets busy, which is why we took the time to compile the top five jigs that are guaranteed to get you her Snapchat.
Carol Christ’s ‘Undercover Boss’ Episode Canceled Due to Waitlist Status
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite her passion for the show, Carol Christ will no longer be participating in ‘Undercover Boss’ as she never managed to get off the waitlist for any of her classes.
The Naked Run 2: I Forgot to Take a Towel to the Dorm Shower
Campus janitorial services commended the new tradition: “We’re all for a new Naked Run 2 between the shower and your dorm,” mused Leon Tchotchke, head custodian of Bancroft Library. “You know how many of those little Febreeze wall-plug thingies it takes to get out the Computer Science musk alone out of our paperbacks? That’s without even considering the full hazmat setup we have to use after the PoliEcon kids make their rounds. Just wear the aluminum deodorant guys–ANY deodorant.”
QUIZ: Answer These Questions and We’ll Guess How Much Money You Currently Have in Your Bank Account
Please submit all responses to firstname.lastname@example.org.