BERKELEY, Calif. – Amidst rising concerns within California about the approach of “The Big One,” a title referring NOT to chancellor Christ’s yearly skin shedding but instead to a massive earthquake that will happen along the San Andreas fault line, scientists are turning towards Berkeley thrifters for an unlikely solution.

Seismology professor Bas Altrock said they first got the idea to look towards Berkeley’s most underground and misunderstood community from a graduate student in one of their labs. “It was just like any other Tuesday,” Altrock, who asked to be referred to as the “Doudna of rocks,” stated, “when a small earthquake struck. While myself and the rest of the class were shaken like we owed this thing money, there was one particular student who didn’t move.” This got Altrock thinking, and next thing they knew inspiration struck. “I was sitting in my car in one of the Nobel laureate parking spots, dreaming of a future where I could go there during the day and not in the dead of night when nobody would tow me, when everything came together: the earthquake didn’t want to shake that student because it didn’t want to damage their vintage Rick Owens.”

While some scientists from around the world have questioned whether Altrock knows what an earthquake is, and have brought into question the validity of Altrock’s degree from Fordham Young University, Angel Baybee, a worker at Crossroads, agreed with their conclusion. “Yeah no yeah. Little known fact, Crossroads has actually been around since before the 1906 earthquake of San Francisco. While the rest of the city was reduced to rubble, the earthquake pretty much left us alone. It saw we had a totally vintage 1800’s bonnet on display and didn’t want to ruin the vibe we were cultivating in the store so it just like… didn’t shake us.” 

Altrock wasn’t sure what their next steps should be, but they are reportedly in production for a biopic about their life starring Ira Glass.

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