I’ve kept my silence for years but after a recent incident where the SHEEPLE cashiers at Mezzo told me I couldn’t just openly steal their big plates, I realized I need to share my truth. Like everyone else on earth, I have intrinsic human urges: eating, sleeping, taking shit that I 100% didn’t pay for. But because “THEY” say we should “only take things that we actually paid for like normal people,” we just decide to follow them?

You may be asking, “who are THEY?” Well buckle up buddy boy, because THEY run everything. THEY are the MACHINE that controls our society from the shadows, puppet masters that tell us that we have to obey their absurd rules like, “don’t yell ‘Fire!’ in a crowded theater,” “don’t talk with food in your mouth,” or “don’t sneeze on strangers in public and tell them ‘You know what you did.’” But the most absurd rule of all is that we can’t steal things from time to time even though it’s chill and like not that big of a deal. 

If you don’t believe me because you are still BLINDED by the propaganda THEY shove down your throats, let’s look at the pros and cons. Pros: It’s Really Fun. I want to do it. We’re all just on a tiny rock in space so like does it really matter anyways? Cons: Absolutely nothing and if you say otherwise you’re biased so I win.

If I want to steal one of those gentrifier metal stools from Super Duper Burgers or between 10-33 of the VLSB dinosaur bones, I should be able to. After all, I am the protagonist and everything is part of MY movie. But for some reason, according to an email from the office of Carol Christ, I’m apparently “banned from every restaurant, store, and classroom in the Berkeley metropolitan area for obvious reasons.” 

I think we can all agree that this whole world is just so fricking messed up and that’s why I have an important and necessary proposal. We should all band together to steal as many objects as possible as an act of civil disobedience but then you can give me all the stuff you stole so I can make sure you actually did it. This is not just me “wanting more little grabbers to get me things I want for free.” No, this is a revolution for ALL of us.

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