BERKELEY, Calif. — Although taking one’s studies seriously is typically regarded as important, sophomore Elizabeth MacDuggen believes that her ‘toxic’ boyfriend and medieval studies major Benjamin Mancini is going overboard by prohibiting her from wearing the color purple. 

“I love my boyfriend, but really, I can’t keep making excuses for him,” lamented MacDuggen. “First it was the color purple, then he said I shouldn’t wear brocade or velvet fabrics. Even worse, he told me that I should lay off the mutton, as it was ruining my figure. Where the fuck can you even get mutton these days?”

Even though MacDuggen thinks that her relationship is restricting her freedom, her boyfriend seems to think otherwise. 

“Really, it’s Elizabeth who’s the toxic one here if she thinks she could get in the way of my education. As my studies have taught me,” started Mancini, who insisted that we call him the much more ‘period-accurate’ Manfred von Gottlieb. “Purple was historically reserved for royalty, which Elizabeth most certainly is not. Am I the only one who cares about sumptuary laws these days?” 

When asked to comment further, von Gottlieb explained that he would not make any exceptions that made light of his “really really important” field, not even for his own girlfriend.

“I’ve seen Elizabeth’s financial aid package, and if she were truly of royal descent, she definitely wouldn’t have gotten that much in awards. Why does she work so hard for scholarships? Does she not have a vault of gold plundered from other villages sitting at home?” said von Gottlieb as he pushed up his thick-rimmed glasses. “Besides, I control what she wears because I like the feeling of having power over my woman.” 

In the wake of von Gottlieb’s behavior, MacDuggen’s peers have rallied behind her in support.  

“I think Elizabeth is staying with him because she just doesn’t realize how bad she’s got it,” commented fellow student Charlotte Wong, “I mean, my boyfriend insists I wear purple—he says it’s because I’m his queen!”   

When asked directly why MacDuggen continued to stay by von Gottlieb’s side, she proposed a very cunning strategy. 

“Why don’t I simply just leave him?” started MacDuggen, “Oh, well, simple. He possesses a great deal of land, and a gaggle of hearty, nubile vassals, so our arrangement would be most advantageous to my family’s lineage.”

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