I want to preface this article by saying that I’m not heterophobic by any means. I watched Outer Banks. I voted for Biden. I can’t prove my Uncle Cliff is straight, but he has had a woman roommate for years and I still chill with him at Thanksgiving. Sometimes when I’m drunk I kiss my guy friends.
That being said, everyone has a breaking point; seeing my homegirl blow vape smoke into her situationship’s mouth was mine. For those of you who, like me, are fed up, here are a couple easy tips and tricks for when you don’t wanna see your friends doing tricks on their boy toys:
- Gag audibly every time they touch.
- Let them know that you are totally supportive if they want to be straight behind closed doors, but that there are children present and it really isn’t appropriate.
- Tell them you won’t go to Raleigh’s Taco Tuesday with them if you have to see their boyfriend one more time.
- Bring them to a local SoulCycle and let them wear themselves out by sweating next to some like-minded straight peers, and to take their minds off of their confusing thoughts.
If you’ve tried all these methods with middling results, it might be time to bring out the big guns. Pavloving your straight friends can be an effective way to iron out those pesky tendencies! Straight people typically enjoy a lot of the same things, so try using these rewards to encourage them every time they resist the urge to engage in heterosexual behaviors:
- Play the opening 30 seconds of Mo Bamba by Shek Wes. When they hear “I got hoeeeees”, their brain will release the happy chemicals.
- Let them talk about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce uninterrupted for 30 seconds.
- Gift them tickets to a local sip and paint event.
- Tell them that you have hired an interior designer to redo their bathroom with a beach house theme.
- Listen to them rant about how much they relate to Marnie from Girls.
- Give them your phone so they can watch David Dobrik videos.
- Ask them to tell you about their favorite episode of Celebrity Lip Sync Battle (it will be the Tom Holland-Zendaya one).
If none of these work, consider making new friends. Try heading to any co-op party or a Berkeley B-Side meeting. Hang out at a rugby practice and pass out Gatorades. Go to a climbing gym and ask the nearest non-male to explain what bouldering is. Attend a BoyGenius concert. Get the hell out of Haas. Spend some time in the hallowed halls of the Art Practice Building. We live in the Bay Area for God’s sake, your options are plentiful.