As flu season approaches and temperatures decline, we are no longer ‘cool for the summer’ as the kids say, and become more lukewarm for the September-November period. So instead of an apple, here are six musicians that help you keep the doctor away and avoid ramping up your healthcare costs.
1. Fiona Apple
Fiona Apple is likely the most versatile musician when it comes to keeping away the monster with the medicine. Albums like When the Pawn or Tidal offer listeners despair so seductive that even if you muster up the energy to schedule a doctor’s appointment, you’ll be too busy thinking about the one that got away to get out of bed! Other options include playing some of the banging pots and pans heard on Fetch the Bolt Cutters or The Idler Wheel on high volume. The clashing of cutlery and creepy acoustics will ward off anyone who dares get too close.
2. Sheryl Crow
Out of all the 1990s 3-to-4ish hit wonders, Sheryl Crow is by far the most likely to catch your doctor off guard. As her hits originate from around 1995, upon listening to her “music” the average doctor will be taken back to Crow’s prime during their pre-college days. This was also the last time they felt happiness: before the masochistic pre-med track, before medical school, and before they spent their days trapped in the white walls of a hospital, eating shrink-wrapped hospital meals designed to further demoralize ailing patients. Playing Sheryl Crow should only be used as a last-ditch effort as the effects could be catastrophic for doctors in their late forties/early fifties.
3. Ed Sheeran
Bad habits might land you in the doctor’s office, but they can also get you out. People often believe the terrible quality of Sheeran’s music portrays his lack of talent as an artist, however, closer analysis actually reveals his music as an ingenious tool for evil. As many have observed before, Ed Sheeran makes music specifically to torment those waiting in line to pick up their prescription at CVS after working an 8-hour shift. Don’t forget that this effect applies to the workers trapped handing out the prescriptions too. However, experts advise caution in weaponizing this music as the U.N. declared his music a form of biological warfare at loud volumes.
4. Ariana Grande
To promote her new album, Ariana Grande is offering to help wreck any marriage of your choosing in exchange for ten streams. Endure ten streams of her music before your appointment and you won’t have to worry about a cancellation fee as they’ll be with Ariana 30,000 feet high in the sky with a one-way ticket to Fiji. Picky doctor? Not to worry! Ariana is known for her ability to pull off any race.