BERKELEY, Calif – In a surprising turn of events, UC Berkeley’s Cafe 3 dining hall has been slated to undergo a variety of renovations. The renovation of Cafe 3 will supposedly take on a more cosmetic function as the school aims to completely overhaul its dining hall through the Campus Utility and Technical Yassification Initiative (CUNTY). 

“It’s truly an embarrassment that an institution as esteemed as ours still has such an outdated and poorly maintained dining hall, after all, the retrofitted aesthetic is just so tacky nowadays. Oh, and I guess the broken dishwashers are a problem too,” remarked Chancellor Christ, when questioned about the necessity of the endeavor. 

Construction procedures that can be expected include the removal of black mold, a BBL, rhinoplasty, and buccal fat removal — all intended to achieve that subtle, but snatched “makeup no makeup, model off duty” look. At press time, it was announced that celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Miami will be in charge of all procedures. 

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