“Yeah I hate tomatoes too. Oh, you actually said you like tomatoes? Yeah, actually tomatoes are pretty good. Honestly, it might be my favorite vegetable. They’re actually a fruit? Oh, of course, I completely apologize. You’re totally right.” This quote is not just some scenario I conjured up. It’s essentially every conversation I’ve ever had in my life.

What do you want me to do? State my actual opinion on tomatoes, meaning I have to talk to a whole person for like 15 minutes about the pros and cons of tomatoes? Or do you want me to argue how vegetables and fruits aren’t mutually exclusive because “fruit” is a biological term and “vegetable” is a term for food? Fuck that shit. If I agree with whatever you say, I can save that 15 minutes on something else I’d rather do, like sitting at home alone in silence, eating grilled cheese sandwiches, or rewatching my favorite 90s sitcom Frasier

You may think this is because I desperately want people to like me but that’s only mostly true. I actually do not care what people say. I’ve cracked the code to conversations. Whenever I have to talk to someone at a place or event, I black out for the entire time they talk so I can think about moments from the hit tv show Frasier, ranging from the hijinks of Dr. Frasier Crane to the hijinks of his brother, who is also a Seattle-based Psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane. Then, when whoever I’m talking to is done with whatever words they chose to say, I give some vague response about how I totally agree with what they’ve been saying. And then they keep talking again and the cycle continues.

It’s a win-win situation; whoever I’m talking to doesn’t have to deal with the stress of waiting for me to finish talking so they can start talking, I agree with everything they say so they don’t hate me, and I get more time to think about Frasier

My 12 different therapists say my problem is I have deep seeded anger issues and I think any potential conflict or disagreement will cause those issues to surface so instead, I just agree with people. But they are all wrong because the real cause of my repressed anger is that I keep watching that youtube video where Gordon Ramsay tries to make a grilled cheese sandwich but makes the cheese and bread too thick and then puts kimchi on it and he has the goddamn nerve to call it the perfect grilled cheese. It pisses me off so much I keep making dozens of grilled cheese sandwiches and stockpiling it in case I ever run into him so I can show him what a REAL grilled cheese looks like.

I challenge every piece of garbage on this godforsaken planet who disagrees with the way I live my own fricking life to debate me. It won’t work because I’ll just say you’re right and get out of the conversation after like 7 minutes and 23 seconds.

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