BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind the heist of two bananas, a couple of sodas, and some water from the Golden Bear Cafe. Working tirelessly to reassure the shocked public, UCPD quickly put out a list of prospective thieves, comprising every single undergraduate and graduate student.
“Our first priority was activating our highly-trained Anti-Shoplifting Squadron, or the ‘A-S-S,’ to make sense of this heinous crime against humanity,” began UCPD spokesman Robert Kitchin. “Our officers are proud to say that we were able to respond in mere minutes, and have narrowed down a profile that we believe fits the crime; on campus frequently, unwilling to pay gouged prices, and in a rush. Consequently, we’re confident that one of roughly 40,000 names we picked is the culprit. We will not rest until we use every available cent of our multi-million dollar budget to avenge these senselessly wrested $8 of food.”
Some students were critical of the vast mobilization of resources with which miniscule shoplifting was met. Speaking under a pseudonym, Berkeley Junior “JJ Madala” shared his qualms.
“I don’t really understand the point of alerting the entire campus community towards the unsolved abduction of picnic foods,” grumbled Madala, while tossing a banana peel in the compost bin. “What are they communicating, that UCPD is too inept to stop, or even identify, a shoplifter in the most heavily attended campus cafe? Likewise, who amongst us is innocent – for the amount of money I was bilked out of for my freshman meal plan, I think I’m entitled to some bananas. Either that, or I want my $300 in non-transferable ‘flex dollars’ back. Or 10 minutes alone in Cafe 3 with all the tupperware I can carry.”
Other students, however, voiced vehement support of the investigation.
“They’re really showing these civilians who’s the boss,” explained ROTC “student” Jeffrey Warkryme, foaming at the mouth. “These disgusting greedy liberal communists globalists refuse to obey authority, and now it’s time to show them who’s in charge. As someone in the ROTC, essentially a purple heart veteran, I know what real discipline entails. Yes, I do visibly enjoy being screamed at by authority figures in uniform, but that is solely because of how much I respect our armed forces, like the scary lunch lady in my middle school. I was worried that the administration was going to waste money addressing the root causes of crime, like housing insecurity and poverty. I’m glad my tuition money and California tax dollars are being used effectively instead: giving the UCPD inordinate power and slush funds of money.”
UCPD, at press time, is searching campus dining halls to count individual danishes, making sure no stone is left unturned in this criminal conspiracy.