Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know …
Berkeley Startup ‘Tinder For Friends’ Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now
BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …
Self-Proclaimed Meninist Believes It’s Short for Marxist-Leninist
BERKELEY, Calif. — Bewilderment permeated the students of UC Berkeley as the latest flyer shoved into their hands by Speak Out Socialists boldly stated “MENINISTS …
As Gasoline Prices Soar, Should I Stop Huffing It? Our Experts Say No.
The price of gasoline has skyrocketed in recent days, burning a weirdly irresistible smelling hole in consumers’ wallets. I have been particularly hard-hit; no, I …
Will Smith Finally Tired of Other Men Screaming Out His Wife’s Name
LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada …
End of an Era: Carol Christ’s Voice Actor Has Been Fired
BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be …
BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)
BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
OPINION: I’m Not Gaslighting You, I’m Just Lying
Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …