BERKELEY, Calif. – Doomsday preachers, consulting-club donut-salesmen, and moralist demagogues all tremble upon the appearance of the ultimate uniformed, jack-booted thugs. Brace yourselves: the Girl Scouts are back.
Classmate Using Copious Amount of Buzzwords Actually Swarm of Bees in Suit
Rising to the press podium, emeritus Professor Gordon Frankie divulged the chief attribute revealing Waxman to be a swarm of bees: their fondness for buzzwords.
“Waxman’s fatal flaw is that their classmate caught on to their penchant for buzzwords. Sure, every Berkeley student falls back on ‘discourse’ and ‘dichotomy’ once in a while, but Waxman’s use was egregious; who says ‘Honey, I’m combing through your beeliefs, and (h)I’ve got to tell you, there’s not one argument for being pro-polis.’”
Academy Award for Best Actor Goes to Me, Pretending to Have Done the Reading for Today’s Section
“It is my sublime personal pleasure,” Yang articulated, “to present this award for Best Actor to the student who gave the most convincing performance in their role as, ‘Person Who Read the Assigned Pages for Class Today.’ The award goes to… Tohar Zamir!”
GBC Now Offering Marc Fisher’s Hard Lemonade
Traveling the slopes of Grizzly Peak and the rugged valleys of Strawberry Canyon, Marc Fisher has been searching for the most delectable lemons to create premium, top-shelf hard lemonade.
Lawrence Lab Releases Statement Apologizing for Misuse of Weather Machine
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following an abnormal snowfall in Tilden Park early Friday morning, Lawrence National Lab has come forth in a statement to confess their involvement.
Pope Francis Announces Beer is Now Jesus’ Blood and So Is Pink Whitney
“Miei cari amici, the Cardinals and I have deliberated, and have decided on a modernizing reform for communion. Whereas historically, we have considered only vinum to be sanguis Christi, we were forced to re-read the text for our R1A requirement, and we realize that really, ‘wine’ just referred to any alcoholic ferment – so we’re extending communion to include beer, and even Pink Whitney too.
BREAKING: The Clitoris Found on Wuhu Island After Years of Hiding
WUHU ISLAND, Pacific Ocean – In a press conference today, Interpol announced that they had located The Clitoris, identified in hiding on Wuhu Island.
“It took a several-years-long effort by many of our top investigators,” relayed Interpol Chief, Dev Inatili-Aman, “but we found it. It was hiding in a cave in [Inatili-Aman is interrupted by snickers from the reporters]. What? What’s so funny?”
Lost Your Clipper Card? Here’s 4 Phone Numbers We Called That Told Us To Fuck Ourselves
2. The Student Transportation Office: (510) 643-7701
Don’t be fooled by the name– like Voltaire said, “This office is neither for students, nor transportation, nor an office.” There is no telling what response you’ll get – they might replace your lost card, but not without a $25 fee that completely negates the notion of a free bus pass. And if you complain? There’s a tried and true response that they’re not afraid to roll out: “go fuck yourself.”
Haas Student Brags about Internship at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated
“That’s right dude, the job is a complete lush – I’m working at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. They’re sending me an access badge too; my job title is ‘Junior Inator Inspector.’ How cool is that? Yeah the pay’s great, I think six figures? And three of them are before the decimal!”
Innovation: AC Transit Consolidates All Lines Into 31-Decker Bus
OAKLAND, Calif. – In response to Governor Newsom’s new state transportation budget, AC Transit has announced a plan to reduce operating costs. “We recognize that …