BERKELEY, Calif. – In a dormitory-wide email recently, UC Berkeley Housing notified some of the campus community that they had discovered “what is believed to …
Maturity? I Framed One of My Posters
“It’s like watching my son go through puberty in one night – from little league straight to whacking home-runs on more steroids than contained in an asthmatic inhaler,” stuttered my hornswoggled housemate, Dylan Hamuy. “I mean you should have seen the state of the room before this; it was a tasteful, subdued mix of stolen traffic signs and FedEx-printed low-res jpegs pasted to the walls, with some under-exposed polaroids peppered in for flavor. But now? We’re looking at the big leagues. That’s right, frames have hit the room!”
UC Regents Hire Michael Drake’s New Stepbrother, Michael Josh
SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …
Countries Vie for the World Cup Since All the Rest Are in the Dishwasher
DOHA, Qatar – Fans across the world are oscillating in sweaty dive-bars, cooling down sports spectators who are whooping and hollering at yet another World Cup. …
UC Regents Respond to COLA Demands with Six-Pack of Pepsi
“The Chancellor kept acting like handing us a Pepsi was going to completely solve the strike. I have no idea who gave her that idea – I mean it feels like some high-power Madison-Avenue marketing bull.”
‘It’s Giving Birth,’ Reports Midwife TikTok Influencer
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the Northside Safeway earlier today, 32-year old Uma Bilikel’s water broke while grocery shopping. The 9-months pregnant woman was picking up …
REPORT: Midnight Train Going Anywhere Headed to Millbrae/SFO
“Don’t Stop Believing,” Journey’s seminal, ‘80s anthem, has long stupefied the world of music scholarship with the cryptic midnight train going anywhere. However, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have, through a grueling investigation, determined that anywhere is actually Millbrae/SFO.
OPINION: Sacramento Is Important
Word is in guys: Sacramento is super important. I mean this state, this country, couldn’t function without the socio-economic powerhouse that is Sac-town. You know …
Berkeley Startup ‘Tinder For Friends’ Not Affiliated With Tinder, Also Not Affiliated With Friends
“Out of a sample size n, where n = 589 undergraduates, we have found exactly 0 correlations between using ‘Tinder for Friends’ and our variable f, defined as f = having friends. Actually this isn’t entirely true––we found a negative correlation. I mean are you so shocked? This is an app that has the marketing strategy of a millennial Instagram meme account, which is to say it capitalizes on that image of Elon smoking that ‘Apartheid Emerald Mine’ strain zaza. I mean who is the market for this? Elon Musk fans? I mean they could definitely use more friends I suppose…”
Advisor Places Hold On My Hand
BERKELEY, Calif. – Members of the Applied Satire department were mortified early Wednesday morning to discover the floating Orb of Doom (no, not the Evans one) in the upper right-hand corner of CalCentral: a Hold on their account.