BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
BREAKING: Everybody Knows You’re High Right Now
BERKELEY, Calif. – Dude, bad news–everyone can totally tell that you’re higher than Leonardo DiCaprio’s personal maximum for age gaps right now. Yes dude, I’m …
Self-Proclaimed Meninist Believes It’s Short for Marxist-Leninist
BERKELEY, Calif. — Bewilderment permeated the students of UC Berkeley as the latest flyer shoved into their hands by Speak Out Socialists boldly stated “MENINISTS …
As Gasoline Prices Soar, Should I Stop Huffing It? Our Experts Say No.
The price of gasoline has skyrocketed in recent days, burning a weirdly irresistible smelling hole in consumers’ wallets. I have been particularly hard-hit; no, I …
Will Smith Finally Tired of Other Men Screaming Out His Wife’s Name
LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada …
End of an Era: Carol Christ’s Voice Actor Has Been Fired
BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be …
BREAKING: River Of Scum Oozes Out of Haas Business School (Also, Water Line Broke)
BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the …
OPINION: I’m Not Gaslighting You, I’m Just Lying
Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …
Supply Chain in Crisis After My Friend’s Fake Got Folded
BERKELEY, Calif.–In an unprecedented shock to the undergrad economy, the goody-two-shoes bouncer at Cornerstone folded my friend’s fake. “The ramifications for the free trade of …
Evans Demolished to Make Way for Mega Yali’s
BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, …