BERKELEY, Calif.—Shock and heartbreak swept through the City of Berkeley as UC Regents announced that Carol Christ’s longstanding voice actor, Eden Zalahmi, will not be returning for the 2022-2023 season.

“Fiat Lux loyal fans of Cal! It is with a heavy heart that we inform you that after tenuous negotiations, Carol Christ’s voice actor will not be returning for next year,”  UC Berkeley Tsar of Acting and Talent Agent Selection wrote in an official Letterboxd statement. “While this may seem draconian, her demands were ludicrous; a cost of wage adjustment and recognition of resident rights in People’s Park? In our opinion, we don’t want anyone playing Carol who won’t truly commit to the role and do some method acting. Yet the Cal franchise has already set our sights on a recast for the part; henceforth, the part of Carol Christ will be voiced by veteran Calfessions submitter, Gargles Emon!”

Zalahmi took the liberty of attaching a sample clip of the new Carol Christ voice.  

Not all fans are satisfied with the change, however. Longtime Berkeley listener Stan Keyweener made his ire clear:

“This is total bearshit. REAL fans still listen to Christ’s original voice, the Sproul Preacher!”*

Other fans have expressed their speculation towards other recasts.

“Did you see Christopher Nolan on Sproul?” mused film-frat pledge Fiddle D. Dee. “I heard he’s looking to recast the Pappy statue and I’m hearing some BIG names–industry insiders have been tapping Dominic Fike and Martha Stewart!”

At press time, early reports indicated Willem Dafoe would play both Annie and Grinell, the Campanile Falcons. 


*The Free Peach could not independently verify that the Sproul Preacher speaks for Christ, Carol or Jesus. Or Anti. Or Piss. 

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