BERKELEY, CA.– A heating lamp, a silver serving tray, and questionably cooked eggs. These priceless artifacts were discovered by a team of UC Berkeley archaeologists early this morning at their newest dig site just blocks away from campus under Unit 3’s Prestley Hall.
“It’s the discovery of the century. History is coming alive before our eyes,” exclaims Dr. Cara Tin. “Imprinted on these floors are the footprints of students shuffling in loops looking for a table.” Dr. Tin and her team of students say this discovery can lead to answering some of the research group’s most pressing questions: How have dietary preferences changed over the centuries? Did Cal students always struggle with line management or is that a recent development? And just what is in that vegetable medley?
Student researcher Duster Bones is leading the preservation team at the appointment of Dr. Tin. “Today students are used to paying $15 for a meal swipe,” explains Bones. “At Café 2, it was the equivalent of $3! And at Café 1, one meal swipe cost 6 doubloons.” Although the brown fedora and golden idol are “strictly not necessary,” Bones argues, they help him focus on the task at hand.
University administration has greenlit a $50 million project to construct an on-site museum dedicated to the derelict dining halls once the excavation has been completed. Ida Sproul, Norton, and Spens-Black Halls will be demolished to make room for the proposed installation. Priestley will remain standing but will be retrofitted into a gift shop, university construction plans reveal.
Although construction will not begin until 2026, all residents of Unit 3 will be evacuated starting as early as this afternoon. While the Director of Residential Life refuses to comment, leaked internal documents reveal they will receive a commemorative “Café 1” t-shirt and a $10 printing credit added to their Cal 1 Card (B&W single-sided only).