BERKELEY, Calif.— The University of California announced this week forthcoming plans to raze the LEGO set with only puke colored pieces known as Evans Hall, with official University emails foreshadowing the project meant to replace it.
“Esteemed students and also PoliEcon majors: it is with heavy hearts we today announce the condemnation of our most beloved eyesore, Evans Hall. We have heard your complaints: how it looks like a building in GTA that you can’t interact with, how it looks like a green brick with windows, how it somehow blocks the sun on Hearst Mining Circle and reflects it to create unbearable heat. In response, we are prepared to ceremoniously demolish the building, and customarily desecrate the remains–we invite all students taking 15 or more units to urinate directly on the rubble (please note that a Cal1 Card is compulsory for admission).”
“We are not, however, without visions for a bright future; addressing the needs of students for a more diverse and varied edible marketplace on campus, we have introduced competition for the beloved Qualcomm Yali’s, Stanley Yali’s, and the original Oxford Yali’s. It is the pride of this commission to announce that Evans Hall will be replaced by the new Mega Yali’s.
“Mega Yali’s will be the ultimate coalescence of Yalinomics research. The new structure will be a 20 foot tall steel, glass, and biscotti building, equipped with state of the art refresher urinals, which recycle body waste into iced drinks to be sold on the bottom floor. The entire building will run 100% green, using turbines powered by the steam rising from scalding cups of coffee. Rather than a 20 item menu, Mega Yali’s will roll out the world’s first zero item menu–instead, you will be randomly assigned a drink and meal for $25 (what we assume is standard market rate for breakfast). You get what you get and don’t get upset.”
At press time, internal emails between the head of the Yalinomics Center, W. W. Dahtkam, and Chancellor Christ were leaked by an anonymous source. Within the leaked documents, repeated references were made to the “Secret Board of the IllumiYali located in the School of Optometry.”