BERKELEY, Calif. — After extensive pushback from the local community relating to concerns of corneal damage after seeing your face, the UC Berkeley administration has extended the mask mandate indefinitely.

“Look– we’re trying to brand Cal as a #swanky and #cool place where people can dump their entire life savings to get a world-class degree that’s the functional equivalent of Chegg Premium. We can’t do that if you’re walking around campus without a mask and showing of that ugly fucking mug. Even with my Berkeley goggles on I’m looking at you and wondering what is going on with your chin? Why is it shaped like that? Have you seen a dermatologist?” said Chancellor Carol Christ, continuing “And this time we’re going to require that the mask goes above the nose because look in the fucking mirror.”

This decision is widely supported, with even Berkeley’s Turning Point USA branch agreeing to keep the mask mandate since you’re so ugly.

“I thought I wanted the freedom to kill the elderly and immunocompromised, but turns out I want to be free of ever looking at your face again,” TPUSA member Luke Erin shouted through a megaphone on Memorial Glade. “It is against my constitutional eighth amendment right, which makes cruel and unusual punishment a war crime (but only because I’m a US citizen). Hell, I even have a thing for your type if you know what I mean (it isn’t derogatory, your type is just sexy and I should be able to say it) and I think you’re the most misshapen and grotesque thing I have ever seen.”

At press time, Chancellor Christ was seen also drafting a statement celebrating the 150th year of your mom being old and teaching Oski how to play punch buggy.


Images from Max Pixel and

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