In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
US Loses Brazilian Presidential Election
São Paulo, Brazil – In a highly contested election, the United States has officially lost its re-election to Lula de Silva, despite multiple destabilization efforts, …
‘Over-Caffeinated’ Student Hasn’t Had Any Coffee Today; Just Anxious
Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.” In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.
Twitter Now Owned by The Free Peach After We Got It for Free on the App Store
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a surprise twist of surprising events, the social media platform “Twitter” is under new management after The Free Peach purchased it …
If Babies Aren’t Racist, Then Why Didn’t They Post a Black Square on Instagram?
WASHINGTON – Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, the self-described first Hispanic Asian-American in Congress, is under heat for asking Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson …
Berkeley Mask Mandate Reinstated After Seeing Your Face
BERKELEY, Calif. — After extensive pushback from the local community relating to concerns of corneal damage after seeing your face, the UC Berkeley administration has …
Class No Longer Optional
BERKELEY, Calif. — To the dismay of Cal students, University Chancellor Carol Christ has officially ended the two-week extension of Winter Break and announced that …
Carol Christ Throws It Back
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an unprecedented turn of precedented events, Chancellor Christ has announced that classes will be online for the first two weeks of …
Fuck, There Went All Our “We Lost” Jokes
STANFORD, Calif.- Despite the best efforts of the Stanford Football Team and COVID-19, somehow the Bears clutched a narrow 41-11 victory this weekend. “I just …