1. You and Your Friends Are Terribly Boring Refusing to move to the back of the bus because you want to stand in the aisle …
Opinion: Increase Berkeley Time to 15 Minutes Because I’m Really Out of Shape
BERKELEY, Calif. – In this revolutionary opinion piece, I am officially calling for the university to increase Berkeley time from ten to fifteen minutes. The …
CalCentral Places Affectionate Hold on Accounts Just in Time for Valentine’s Day
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a romantic gesture that has stirred hearts across UC Berkeley, the campus’s online administrative portal, CalCentral, has begun placing “affectionate holds” …
Taylor Swift Tells Environmental Activists To ‘Shake It Off’
LAS VEGAS, Nevada. — In a decision resulting in white women becoming the most defensive group since the time people asked them to stop filming …
Report: Yes, You Do Look Like a Fucking Loser Waiting for Your ‘Friends’ at Strada
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following their legacy of derivative research studies that no one asked for, researchers at Stanford University have confirmed that you (yes, you) …
The Free Peach’s Unofficial Guide to Note-Taking at Berkeley
As the new semester starts, and many of you decide to try to go to class, we here at The Free Peach wanted to provide …
BREAKING: ███████ ██ █ █████████
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Instagram has ████ mentions of █████ in the recent reporting of the ██████-████ ████ due to █████ of █████ █████. Some …
Oopsies! Cal Admissions Accidentally Accepts YOU
In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
US Loses Brazilian Presidential Election
São Paulo, Brazil – In a highly contested election, the United States has officially lost its re-election to Lula de Silva, despite multiple destabilization efforts, …
‘Over-Caffeinated’ Student Hasn’t Had Any Coffee Today; Just Anxious
Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.” In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.