BERKELEY, Calif. – Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.”  In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.

“Don’t get me wrong, I definitely drink my fair share of coffee, but that isn’t the cause of my frenzies. Rather, it’s the perpetual academic and social strife pervading campus that breeds mental instability. But hey, at least I get mediocre smoothie recipes from Berkeley Student Well-Being newsletters. The pumpkin spice quinoa shake has done wonders for my gut health, so this morning I decided against capping it off with three shots of cold brew.” 

Brantford continued on. 

“I’m just so used to drinking copious amounts of the bean’s elixir every day that I assumed it was the cause of my mental instability. Interestingly enough, I replaced my usual two cups of coffee with a delectable butternut squash smoothie that definitely didn’t taste like baby food and somehow my anxiety persisted. It’s so weird! It’s almost as if my reliance on caffeine as a ritualistic source of energy just functioned as something which gave me a sense of control allowing me to ignore the larger mental health issues I have.”

Responding to the situation, Rylie’s housemate Sara Kissinger explained how she handles stress on campus. 

“Listen. I know there are apparently some people out there who can’t handle 28 units, but that’s not me. I am actually doing totally fine. Everything is under control and life is a breeze. I haven’t even shit myself today. You know that I’m doing fine, right? Say I’m doing fine. I’m fine. I’m actually great. Like truly everything is great and I am doing great.” Avoiding further comment, Sara abruptly left to replenish her supply of coffee. 

At press time, Sara was seen leaving GBC holding two large iced lattes and a roll of toilet paper while sprinting down Sproul.

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