“It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”
Opinion: Where The Fuck is Barker?
The semester started like every other: I swear that I’ll go to lecture. I miss my bus that was seven minutes late. I curse fate for inhibiting learning that I truly value and show up for. I pull up CalCentral 10 minutes before class to make sure all my classes are in Dwinelle like usual. That is, until I see it: Rhetoric-103B, Barker 101.
Do They Love You Or Did They Just Respond To Your Discussion Post?
BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.
Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”
Stylish! Boy Cuffed His Pants Today
BERKELEY, Calif. – In a groundbreaking display of finesse and style, Berkeley student Ryan Story cuffed his pants. “I mean, yeah, I just threw this …
OPINION: Boy Riding Bike With No Hands is Very Cool
His technique was clinical. The boy and the bike flew together in harmony. The velocipede had become univocal in the man’s being. He’s probably a Rhetoric major.
‘Over-Caffeinated’ Student Hasn’t Had Any Coffee Today; Just Anxious
Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.” In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.
OPINION: Student-Athlete? I Just Walked From Dwinelle to Wheeler
This is all to say that I think that I should get all of the clout and attention of the student athletes. We share so many attributes like not being paid for our daily hardships (mine being my ten minute walk between classes, theirs being a silly little three hour morning practice before a full day of classes). If my request is denied, I will take matters into my own hands (which, by the way, I did not use at all while walking up the stairs) and borrow my sister’s volleyball knee pads so it looks like I’m injured. I will then proceed to wear said knee brace over my jeans so that I can reasonably justify calling myself an Uber in between classes without feeling like I’m out of shape.
Carol Christ’s ‘Undercover Boss’ Episode Canceled Due to Waitlist Status
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite her passion for the show, Carol Christ will no longer be participating in ‘Undercover Boss’ as she never managed to get off the waitlist for any of her classes.
ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher
BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …
Belarus Swears Putin “Is Not That Kind of Guy” and “Would Never Do That”
MINSK, Belarus — Representatives from the Belarusian capital have reacted to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which somehow just now heard of. “Putin? As in …