BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.
Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”
Responding to whether his presumption of romantic intent was made too hastily, Ryan continued passionately: “You don’t get it, I’m now getting the attention I deserve. Usually, I’m just told lies derived from the woke media like ‘you’re misinformed,’ ‘that’s not how mRNA works,’ or ‘that’s racist,” but everything has changed now that I have someone who loves and cares for me. Take that Dad, I did find someone.”
Ryan elaborated why, despite their unpopularity, he defends and believes in his “nuanced” takes.
“Just because I do my own research and read unbiased, professional journalism like The Free Peach, doesn’t mean my opinions on complex political issues are any less informed. It’s only through their independent investigations that I even found out about the giant floating orb in Evans Hall! Just another orb that doesn’t fit into the media’s narrative, it’s despicable”
Sara responded to inquiries about the interaction via email:
“Wait wtf? My response was a roast of his entire post lol”