BERKELEY, Calif. – Uproar ensued after Sara Wilson, an out-of-state student from Utah who proclaims they “like rain”, still used an umbrella following showers this …
Coffee Chat Followed by Bathroom Break
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the midst of recruiting for clubs, sophomore Krispen Kreamer followed her coffee chat with a bathroom break. Outside the bathroom at …
Do They Love You Or Did They Just Respond To Your Discussion Post?
BERKELEY, Calif— In a discussion assignment for her Political Science class last Thursday, second-year Sarah Candle responded to fellow classmate Ryan Bower’s discussion post in what absolutely must have been a romantic gesture.
Explaining his totally logical and not insane jump towards being in love with her, Ryan reports: “What else could this mean? I mean, what type of sane person would respond to, let alone acknowledge my political takes unless they were in love with me? Does defending corporate buybacks make me a bootlicker since they come at the direct expense of any productive investment that might actually benefit me? No. It makes me a patriot. Finally, someone recognizes me for the genius I am.”
ASUC Voters Pass Ballot Initiative to Resurrect Grinnell Using Blood of Mark Fisher
BERKELEY, Calif. – The ASUC Ballot initiative to resurrect Grinnell the Falcon, who died under mysterious circumstances several weeks ago, using the blood of campus …
Belarus Swears Putin “Is Not That Kind of Guy” and “Would Never Do That”
MINSK, Belarus — Representatives from the Belarusian capital have reacted to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which somehow just now heard of. “Putin? As in …