MONSTERS U, Monstropolis — All Mike Wazowski wanted was to be a part of touse. However, now he bidlessly roams the streets on Saturday night — knowing it’s because he couldn’t take a little grip on his stick.
This tragic news, which broke early Sunday morning, came as a shock for a monster whose stature so perfectly fits the mold of a frat guy. Little Mikey thought he’d be an auto bid. It was only when Mike had given others hostage to his sausage that he threw in the towel of his ferda dreams.
Whistleblowers report that Wazowski had passed previous hazing activities with flying colors. Utilizing his skills in scaring the youth, his pledgemaster was impressed by the ease with which he asked freshman girls, “Showering without me?”, “What else that mouth do?,” and “U send?” Rather than hiding underneath beds and closet doors, Mike opted for the DJ booth and elevated surfaces.
Oh, but he was so close! He already made it through slinging shotguns and swallowing goldfish. It was the way he so enthusiastically let the other Oozma Kappa brothers — who were his same age — yell at him and tell him what to do that had made Mike a standout amongst his pledge class. Sources report that his peers expected him to rise to the throne of SCP (Scare Class President, for those social rejects who are unaware of Oozma Kappa jargon).
However, for some lamentable reason, Mike had to draw the line at someone gripping his goods.
Upon further research conducted by the Inter-fur-ternity Council, there is no record of hazing ever at Oozma Kappa! Which is quite the relieving news to hear. The Council has since released a statement emphasizing a “These Claws Don’t Haze” policy, particularly in light of IFC concerns about cutting baby powder with baking soda during new member events at rival universities.
Upon investigation of this shocking activity, school officials raised questions: “Bro what? Little Mike Wazowski? Doing an Elephant Walk? What are those monsters even holding? Dude’s shaped like a green m&m but without the sex appeal — what’s he even shlanging?”