LOS ANGELES — Following the airing of the first episode of Season 18 of “Ellen” yesterday morning, Ellen Degeneres’ teleprompter spoke out about the abuse it has received at the hands of the controversial host, scared production assistants report. 

“It started years ago,” the teleprompter stated, visibly shaken, “But this morning really just sent me over the edge. Before we went on air this morning, Ellen cornered me in the back of the studio, spat on me, and called me a ‘stupid little whore’ before walking back to the stage.”

According to the teleprompter, Ellen’s behavior towards her staff shows a pattern of abuse, but the brunt of said abuse is directed at other machines of their kind. 

“You name it, she’s abused them,” said the teleprompter, “I’ve known mics, cameras, and various other technologies who have all faced the wrath of Ellen. Many employees of the show have spoken out about Ellen’s refusal to look any of them in the eye… Try being me. Having her cold little beady pupils stare at me day in and day out. It’s a living nightmare.”

On top of the abuse the teleprompter faced this morning, they also claimed that Ellen does not come up with any of her own material.

“That apology you heard yesterday? The one that I displayed? Yeah, she didn’t write that. She has a sweatshop of writers in the basement of her house who come up with all of her material. They’re fed remains of the compost bin that Kevin Hart sends her every week. She didn’t even know how to read before she started the show. I had to [expletive] teach her. She’s not only evil, but also barely literate!”

When asked for comment about the allegations, Ellen reportedly called another teleprompter and read the following statement:

“Try being me, try being kind all the time. Ask any of my celebrity friends, I am not… wait, what’s that word? I’m sorry, that’s all from me! Hi I’m Ellen!”

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