In a stunning turn of events, the University of California, Berkeley, has made a groundbreaking error in its admissions process. The prestigious institution accidentally admitted you, a regular student, instead of the usual line-up of geniuses, valedictorians, taekwondo red belts, and future Nobel Prize winners.
A spokesperson for the university admitted, “We just don’t know how this happened. We had an entire list of choir prodigies, debate champions, and captains of various badminton teams. Our goal is to admit students who are not only the best of the best but also make everyone else feel unworthy. How did we accept YOU, a tone-deaf, mediocre debater, who has been benched for four years? Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that your academic achievement can only be described as unremarkable – you’re not a valedictorian nor salutatorian, and you come from a middle-class family.”
Experts speculate that the mistake may have occurred because your application essay about single-handedly starting six successful dropshipping companies and how you spend your free time fantasizing about providing aid to underprivileged countries was the exact same as the other thousand applicants. The only difference between you and everyone else is that Cal Admissions the heinous mistake of telling you that they would want you here!
Current UC Berkeley students are also scratching their heads at the situation, as this is the second time this mistake has occurred.
“I thought the point was to create a campus where you can’t tell who’s who, since we’re all so exceptional,” said one current junior, who had apparently forgotten that they were accepted based on their ability to take a standardized test. “What’s the point of being extraordinary if everyone else is too? And this is the second time they screwed up – last year, there was a student who paid $44,040/year for high school but was only able to get into SDSU and here. They didn’t even try transferring, just stayed here and spent all of their time complaining about being here and being called a toxically masculine man. Now Haas Business Student Association is stuck with them for another year. Are we just letting anyone in now?”
In an attempt to rectify the situation, a spokesperson for UC Berkeley has announced that they are ready to offer you a full scholarship to attend a more suitable institution, such as one of those universities that admit people based on their ability to write a coherent essay or demonstrate a genuine interest in learning. If you stay, the school is left with the challenge of integrating a complete idiot into the community. But if you decide to stay, it’s okay, since after all, someone has to be the least extraordinary person on campus.