If you need to verify your identity, you will need to sign in with DuoMobile. When you open DuoMobile, it says you will have to give them your cookies, even though you gave them all of your cookies last time just to sign in. If you give DuoMobile all of your cookies, your pet mouse — who your mom said you couldn’t keep because it was a literal street-rodent that followed you home but you kept anyways because he simply looks so cute in baggy overalls — will start to look a bit hangry because you’ve encouraged him, a mouse, eating chocolate chip cookies with whole milk for the past several months. And if he starts to look hangry because you’re guilty of shameless enablement, you’ll have to explain to him he might have to go cold turkey because you really need to log onto CalCentral at 12 PM in order to attempt signing up for the Human Happiness Decal that you’ve been waitlisted in for three years straight even though you know you won’t have a chance of getting it but you’re willing to try anyways because that class is the last shred of hope for your mental stability that’s keeping you motivated to graduate. 

But while you’re telling him that you’re choosing CalCentral over his happiness, his sudden lack of access to human food might digress into the five stages of grief (soon to be six because you’re going to catch those disgusting little mouse hands). When he digresses into the five (six) stages of grief, he will run away and gather his overall-clad mouse community to begin a revolution against you and anyone else who is near. As he initiates the first of many targeted attacks in your local area, you will receive multiple UC Berkeley WarnMe notifications that contain absolutely no amount of useful information and probably aren’t regarding where you currently are on campus. But you’ll still have to read them anyway. If you need to read them, you will have to log into your Berkeley student email. And in order to log into your Berkeley student email, you will need to verify your identity through DuoMobile.

Photos courtesy of Wikimedia Commons, Andrea Piacquadio, Berkeley LIbraries, and Duo Security.

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