Feeling a little bummed out that tampons are still not recognized as a basic necessity by the federal government and are being taxed as a …
OPINION: Bancroft Runs From North to South
Recently I was walking down Sproul recently with a friend and they mentioned that they live on the Southside of campus. I naturally got super excited — I didn’t know anyone who lived near Shattuck!
Then they had the audacity to tell me that what I thought was Southside was actually West. Um, what? I don’t understand how some people got into this school. I also don’t understand how they physically get here. Everyone learns in elementary school that North on the map points up, meaning the highest point of elevation. I mean I walk on Bancroft and can just tell that walking towards I-House is north, and towards the RSF is south. Bancroft is vertical. It goes north to south. It’s just an innate part of my sense of direction.
OPINION: Holy Shit, This Guy Fucks: Professor Mentions His Kid
Ew. What?
He’s definitely trying to humblebrag about the fact that he’s had sex before, which is super off-putting. Why else would anyone think to mention their child — a byproduct of sexual interaction — in the middle of a sociology lecture? Who is he trying to impress? Probably not you, but there’s always a chance he has a breeding kink and is trying to gauge the fertility of the crowd. It’s not weird that you’re thinking about this, by the way. Something more inappropriate than thinking about sex during lecture is having the gall to mention a sex-adjacent topic during lecture.
RECALL ELECTION: Just Check This Box That Says No to Not Never Recalling Newsom and Leave This Other Section Completely Blank and Also
Are you happy with Newsom? Yes? No? There are only two questions on the ballot, but each part requires a multi-step highly-personalized validation process, so make sure to evaluate this ballot with care, or you won’t be fulfilling your God-given right to select an elected official. Want another Democratic governor? Sorry! We have eighteen hundred other Republican candidates lined up for the job that will be placed in a Hunger-Games style lottery to fill Newsom’s position should the election go that way, but definitely don’t fill in that part if you’re a Democrat.
How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying
The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.
No. You do care.
But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan.
OPINION: Voldemort Went to Stanford, So Harry Went to Stanford, Also Stanford is Hogwarts
“Voldemort went to Stanford,” boast the cheeky graphic tees that the Berkeley quidditch team loves to flaunt. What a fun gag, to pin He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as an alum of our university’s bitter rival. Ha! Ha! Ha! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” The quidditch team probably applauds themselves for this bit that actually sells – yes, people buy these shirts to wear, to declare their love of the magical world of Harry Potter and of their prestigious university! “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Have you ever even stopped to consider the implications of this analogy? “Voldemort went to Stanford.” Don’t you realize that your actions have consequences?
20 Signs Your Berkeley Boyfriend Jerks Off to a Picture of Elon Musk
This is a serious diagnosis, and we want to give you all the help you need in discovering what he may be doing behind closed doors. You’re sexy and all, but you have to be honest with yourself – there are just some other things that get him off. Here’s a few signs that one of those things is our favorite tech mogul asswad, Elon Musk:
1. He is male
2. He is a white male
3. He is a straight white male
OPINION: Wait, Did WALL-E Ever Fuck That Sexy Little Robot Eve?
The 2008 animated Pixar film, WALL-E, might be a severe societal criticism of capitalism, corporatocracy, environmental degradation, and global catastrophic risk, but above all: it’s …
I’m A Republican and I Think COVID-19 Is Nothing Compared To Those Scary Clowns From 2016
America, we will never be able to agree on everything. We all want what’s best for our country, and we all have different ideas of …
I Lived it: Riding a Lime Scooter Pretty Fast Down Bancroft Cured My Depression
The sun on my face, the wind in my hair. I’m… smiling. A rush that my 30mg of Cymbalta® could never induce courses through my …