Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will not have another birthday.
The Most Accurate Horoscopes Ever
How to Block Out the Sound of Your Stepdad Railing Your Mom
Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good …
I Gave DuoMobile All My Cookies to Sign In and Now I Don’t Have Any Left for My Mouse
If you need to verify your identity, you will need to sign in with DuoMobile. When you open DuoMobile, it says you will have to …
Overworked Daily Cal Writer Didn’t Want to Be Saved
Let me paint you a picture. Every single week, you have to write a 500-plus word article (with verified sources!) that maybe four people other …
OPINION: Don’t Use Piazza Unless You Studied in Rome
I get it. You want to learn, so you ask questions. Here’s the thing, buddy: the only thing you need to learn is how to …
Hypocrite Alert: Berkeley Administration is All About “Student Wellness” Until I Need a Wire Transfer of $12,000 Immediately So I Don’t Get Both of My Legs Broken by Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo
Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, …
OPINION: I’m Not Gaslighting You, I’m Just Lying
Hey babe, I saw the rant you posted to your finsta story, and I had no idea you thought I was gaslighting you. The truth …
OPINION: Despite My Grandma Saying I Am “A Very Handsome Boy,” I Am Currently Single
War. Wealth Inequality. Broken McDonalds ice cream machines. These issues pale in comparison to the true tragedy of the 21st century, the fact that I …
New Year’s Resolutions For Each Major
As we reflect on how we can be better in 2022 (which wouldn’t be hard considering the pieces of shit we collectively were in 2021), …
Girl With December Birthday Feels a Little Upstaged by Jesus
BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley sophomore Alice Cunningham was disappointed to learn that Christmas was within three days of her upcoming birthday. “Sometimes, I really …