My owner’s name is Billy! He is a 5th grader at Newbury Park Elementary School and he loves drawing and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches …
“How Can Medieval Knights Continue Making The Same Tactical Blunders And Expect Different Outcomes?” Says Poli Sci Student Texting Ex During Lecture
Making the same silly mistakes over and over again without ever learning or changing. I would never do something so stupid.
Anyway, today I texted Brad.
Opinion: The Fecund Melisma of Saturnine Parlance Is An Enervated Corpus Delicti of Contemporary Ontological Praxis (By That Guy From Section)
We’re all thinking it, but I guess I have to be the one to say it: the fecund melisma of saturnine parlance is an enervated corpus delicti of modern ontological praxis.
A Letter to MY Editor: Please Stop Asking Me To Write This Article, I Literally Have The Flu
Look, I know what you’re gonna say, Amanda. I know you’ll say “Maeve you can take the week off” or “Don’t worry about it! I’d rather you feel better” or even, “Please Maeve, please stop texting me your fever-induced ideas for articles.”
I’m Not Like Other Girls— I Have Ringworm
I don’t have sex with strangers or “smoke weed,” okay? I don’t need to. I have ringworm.
First Straws, Now Juuls – What’s Left to Suck On?
Straws revolutionized the way that people experienced drinking, and soon we couldn’t get enough of the sensation. We suck on straws, cigarettes, dicks, lollipops, and whatever else we can.
Pathetic! Self-proclaimed funny Cal Student doesn’t even write for The Free Peach
Hello. It is I, The Free Peach. You may have heard of me. If you haven’t, that’s okay. But if you’re reading this, chances are you have.
Young Father Seeking Advice: Should I Sacrifice my Daughter to Satan?
I don’t care about being rich or famous or any of that typical bullshit Satan promises. Certainly not enough to sacrifice Amanda, my eight-year-old daughter.
Free Speech Under Attack: Where Was Milton When UCBMFET Refused to Publish My Meme?
I’m waiting, Milton. What do you have to say for yourself?
If You Do Not Fill Out Your Course Evaluation, I Will Unilaterally Wage Jihad (By Your Professor)
I realize that my implicit association of the concept of jihad with the acts of political violence I will definitely inflict on you if you don’t fill out your course evaluation has the ultimate effect of fostering links between Islam and terrorism. As you have guessed, I don’t care, because I am Islamophobic.