Day after day, Berkeley students’ inboxes are flooded with emails referencing “Berkeley Student Well-Being.” Campus administrators seem to be incredibly invested in the students’ livelihoods, but recent personal developments seem to indicate this may all be a sham. Apparently, when it comes to the large debts I have accumulated over the years to Donnie “Thumbs” Carlo, I’m entirely on my own. I attempted to reach out to administrators with the following message:
Dearest Berkeley Administration,
First off, thank you so much for your frequent tips and tricks — most recently, your email reminding students to avoid ‘ghosting,’ and instead seek more healthy forms of communication. Thanks to you, Shannon knows precisely why she will no longer be hearing from me. I have gotten the vibe that you care deeply about us students’ well-being, so I thought it would be prudent to email regarding a threat to my own. Without making potentially incriminating statements, it is possible that I am in imminent bodily danger that can only be avoided through an immediate wire transfer of $12,000 to a certain Swiss bank account. Seeing as this university takes the welfare of its students seriously, it would only make sense for you to provide aid. In fact, some could even argue your neglect could make you liable, and I would hate to get lawyers involved. I’m sure you’ll do what’s best.
Unfortunately, administration was less than helpful. They alleged that this is “entirely out of their jurisdiction” and “kind of entirely on [me], bro,” so they refused to provide aid. I followed up, explaining that Berkeley SHIP should cover it in like sort of a preemptive way, but they countered with the suggestion that I “go to the police.” Clearly, they were not taking my request seriously.
Dear “Student Well-Being Team” — if that’s even your real name:
Smart idea! Don’t you think I’ve thought of that? Thumbs owns this city from the shadows — Carol Christ is on his payroll. If I go to the police, he’ll come for me. Listen, if you do nothing, my legs are kaput. Thumbs explained in great detail what he would do to them. That’s blood on your hands, student well-being worker. This is your fault. You wouldn’t let this happen — I know you’re better than this!
I have yet to hear from the Student Well-Being team following this email. I thought we were supposed to favor “communicating clearly,” but I guess Berkeley is hypocritical in more ways than one.