BERKELEY, Calif.–On Monday, Berkeley students found themselves in an unfortunate predicament: an enormous flood of shit, normally contained within the delicate, expensive doors of the Haas Business school, burst from the buildings adjacent to Cronk Gate and dispelled throughout the rest of campus.
“We at CALPIRG can not believe the river of crap pouring out of Haas, and also the water-main bursting or whatever,” environmental activist and CALPIRG president Alyssa Cruz. “It’s going to pollute Strawberry Creek yada yada, but also did you fucking see that Tik Tok of Haas students explaining ‘what an NFT is?’ I mean honestly I rather unplug Deepwater Horizon and turn the Gulf of Mexico into some oil-and-vinegar dressing than have to hear more from these Haas students.”
One blue-blazer- and pearl-earring-clad onlooker agreed to give a statement under the conditions of total anonymity.
“I’ll be honest, I unsubscribed from the WarnMe emails because they kept spamming my inbox with ‘gas siphoned on campus’ – no duh, have you seen the prices? My 1991 Honda needs siphoned gas,” the onlooker remarked. “Anyway, I didn’t know what was happening so I went to check it out. I’m still a little unclear on what happened though — everybody I asked told me to ‘fork over the adderall or else I wasn’t getting any information.’”
The damage proved ubiquitous — the damp, sour mass poured into the libraries, campus buildings, and along the sides of Strawberry Creek, leaving a great number of students irritated and exhausted.
“This whole situation is demonstrative of a lack of proper infrastructure,” explained sophomore Stewart Dee. “Can’t the administration do something about this? There’s only so many slightly-too-loud conversations about a Tahoe retreat I can stand. This is undoubtedly the most pressing issue facing campus right now, and I can only hope this is quelled before someone gets seriously hurt. Or worse… invited to a Frat’s St. Paddy’s Day Boozeathon.”