STANFORD, Calif. — After a recent fundraising event, Stanford University’s environmental activist group STANSHART found they had raised over ten thousand dollars to “kill all them turtles.”
“The climate debate is crowded with liberal Marxist critical race theorists. What people need to understand is that the free market necessitates a natural rate of turtle murder! We’re simply standing up for the interests of whi… I mean anti-woke working class Americans” reported Bill Rhodes, STANSHART supporter and heir to the De Beers Blood Diamond fortune.
Club President Jim Kissinger elaborated on his personal distaste for turtles..
“I remember one time my granddad Henry and I were sailing on our 500-foot-long mega yacht and we saw these turtles impeding our boat’s path. Grandpappy was so angry he got his rifle out and shot them all down. He said he hadn’t felt that rush of adrenaline since the late 60s and early 70s.”
The cause proved to be popular amongst faculty as well.
“It’s so refreshing to see these younger generations embrace the core tenets of hyper-conservatism instead of being normal,” Hoover Institute Director Condoleezza Rice remarked. “These brave college students are acknowledging the God-given right of oil companies to spill oil directly onto wildlife. They’re also exposing how turtles are gross so they deserve to die violently. Maybe this will finally show those shell-backed fuckers what happens when they don’t choose me from the crowd during Turtle Talk with Crush at Epcot.”
STANSHART treasurer Jonathan Lund admitted that the fundraising process had its downsides, however.
“It was exhausting,” Lund reported in between massages at a Palo Alto day spa. “My papà is the son of the chairman of BP, but it took him five whole minutes to transfer the money. I fail to see why people can’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps. If I can call my dad and almost immediately get 10k, anyone can escape crushing poverty.”
After surpassing their ten thousand dollar fundraising goal, President Kissinger announced the club’s next project would be to “dump a fuckton of plastic into the ocean for shits and giggles.”