1. Arson

    Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now. 

  2. Murder

    Beating a stranger with tire iron. Giving your associate cement shoes. Throwing your debtor off of a bridge. These were generations-long family traditions, but we all know the left hates families — the Five Families of New York included. 
  3. Aggravated Assault

    You stab one guy in the Mickey Mouse costume at Disneyland and you’re the bad guy. Like, um, hello liberals, I thought you hated big corporations?
  4. Touching Wet Food in the Sink

    They say it’s “disgusting,” but it’s my God-given right to squelch last night’s soggy spaghetti through my fists every morning. 
  5. Identity Theft

    In my defense, I didn’t do this one. I think you’re confusing me with that other guy.
  6. Mutiny

    Aye, what else was there to do? Captain Seabeard wanted to establish an aid fund for eyepatches and peg legs, but I’m no socialist scallywag.
  7. Kidnapping

    I’ll give your kid back, just give me the money. It’s called a “ransom.” Jeez, millennials really don’t want to work for anything, huh?
  8. Securities Fraud

    I just wanted to be like Bernie Madoff: ancient, famous, and smokin’ hot. Nobody told me the lefties at the FBI would want a piece of this hot ass, though.

Photos courtesy of Matthew Henry, Max Pixel, Wikimedia Commons, Flickr, and David Goehring

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