- Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now.
- Murder
Beating a stranger with tire iron. Giving your associate cement shoes. Throwing your debtor off of a bridge. These were generations-long family traditions, but we all know the left hates families — the Five Families of New York included. - Aggravated Assault
You stab one guy in the Mickey Mouse costume at Disneyland and you’re the bad guy. Like, um, hello liberals, I thought you hated big corporations? - Touching Wet Food in the Sink
They say it’s “disgusting,” but it’s my God-given right to squelch last night’s soggy spaghetti through my fists every morning. - Identity Theft
In my defense, I didn’t do this one. I think you’re confusing me with that other guy. - Mutiny
Aye, what else was there to do? Captain Seabeard wanted to establish an aid fund for eyepatches and peg legs, but I’m no socialist scallywag. - Kidnapping
I’ll give your kid back, just give me the money. It’s called a “ransom.” Jeez, millennials really don’t want to work for anything, huh? - Securities Fraud
I just wanted to be like Bernie Madoff: ancient, famous, and smokin’ hot. Nobody told me the lefties at the FBI would want a piece of this hot ass, though.
Photos courtesy of Matthew Henry, Max Pixel, Wikimedia Commons, Flickr, and David Goehring
