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Posted on March 25, 2023March 26, 2023 by: Shane Pauker

‘Ryanair Is SO Cheap’ and 2 Other Ways to Act Like Your Spring Break in Europe Hasn’t Put You in Financial Ruin

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Author: Shane Pauker

Posted on May 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Crowd Cheers as Acoustic Guitar Players Fight for Dominance of the Glade

BERKELEY, Calif. — Freshman Maya Whitman was surprised on Wednesday to see that her boyfriend, Michael Fisher, was surrounded by a crowd on Memorial Glade.  …

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Posted on May 6, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Recycling, Compost, Landfill: All End Up in the Mighty Mouth of Korbulon the Destroyer Anyway

BERKELEY, Calif. — Environmental activist groups were shocked to learn that Berkeley’s recycling, compost, and landfill waste bins all end up in the same place: …

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Posted on May 4, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Friend With Car Probably Has Other Traits

BERKELEY, Calif. — Although Cal junior Dave Mills is best known for his 2011 Honda Fit (sport model), his friends report that he may have …

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Posted on April 29, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

How to Block Out the Sound of Your Stepdad Railing Your Mom

Listen. I get that mom’s been lonely since dad disappeared. I’m happy that she’s putting herself out there. Alden treats her well and is good …

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Posted on April 23, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information

BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …

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Posted on April 20, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Second-Semester Senior Making Closest Friend He’ll Never Talk to Again

BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal senior Theo Parker has realized he may never talk to his newfound closest friends after graduation. “It’s never been a better …

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Posted on April 16, 2022April 16, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Is He Hot or Does He Just Own a Printer?

We’ve all been there. You went to his apartment for the first time and just had to keep coming back. Yet one question lingers in …

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Posted on April 8, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

OPINION: Don’t Use Piazza Unless You Studied in Rome

I get it. You want to learn, so you ask questions. Here’s the thing, buddy: the only thing you need to learn is how to …

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Posted on April 2, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

Daily Campanile Concerts Renamed “Clock and Bell Torture”

BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley will rebrand its daily carillon performances to attract a younger, edgier audience, according to an official statement made by the …

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Posted on March 15, 2022April 14, 2022 by: Shane Pauker

8 “Crimes” the Woke Mob Will Cancel You For

1. Arson
Man’s built it for millennia, but now broken society says fire has to stay in a designated area. What would you even call that? A “fire place?” Look who sounds stupid now. 

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