Posted on by: Shane Pauker

Big Man’s Ego Totally Dependent on Slamming Tiny Ball into Tiny Net

BERKELEY, Calif. — Failing to relive the glory afforded to him in high school by being a mid-tier varsity water polo player, Cal freshman Dominic Hughes has poured his heart and soul into a new favorite pastime.

“My fragile, fragile ego’s been in, like, freefall ever since I arrived here last month,” explained Hughes while slamming a tiny ball into a tiny net on the Glade. “But ever since I discovered Spikeball, it’s been propped up by a precarious, Jenga-like support system, which is, like, a total relief. Once I saw five consecutive games being played exclusively by other dudes in the 5’10” to 6’2”, moderately athletic range, I knew I was home.”

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Posted on by: Shane Pauker

Woke! Oski has Only Eaten Three Freshmen this GBO

BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recently-leaked email, GBO Steering Committee chair Jeffrey Cass claimed that this year’s orientation has exceeded all prior expectations.

“Everybody should pat themselves on the back,” Cass wrote to other committee members. “The numbers show that we’ve knocked it out of the park. This year’s incoming freshman and junior transfers can find, on average, a whopping two buildings on campus, up 100% from last year! The typical freshman has walked nearly three marathons! And, of course, we should give special credit to Dr. O’Reilly’s Oski Defense Taskforce (ODT). Thanks to those extra-strength bear traps you set out, the beast (in all His glory) has only taken three freshmen for his annual sacrifice! Great job!”

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Posted on by: Shane Pauker

2021 Admissions: University Admits it Doesn’t Really Like Fleetwood Mac

“With so many hopeful prospective freshmen, the admissions team wanted to get things straight early on,” Associate Vice Chancellor of Enrollment Femi Ogundele stated in a press release. “First off, you need to know that I don’t like Fleetwood Mac. It might come as a surprise, but let’s be real: most of you guys only like one of their albums anyway.”

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