BERKELEY, Calif. — Environmental activist groups were shocked to learn that Berkeley’s recycling, compost, and landfill waste bins all end up in the same place: the mighty jaws of Korbulon the Destroyer.
“I feel betrayed,” Students for a Greener Berkeley president Paige Watterson admitted. “I get that it’s hard to process recycled waste, but they don’t have to let Korbulon devour it all. Korbulon’s already here to punish man for his folly; he doesn’t need to know how many bags of Trader Joe’s fettuccine alfredo I ate this week.”
Waste allocation experts have similarly criticized the practice.
“Combining our pre-separated waste streams is inefficient and only exacerbates our environmental detriment. Other methods could actually convert our garbage for the better,” explained environmental sciences Professor John McKinley. “A simple compost offering to Alinar the Sacred, for example, could easily increase crop yields during the desolate winter, but officials are too afraid that an improper sacrifice would incur punishment for our hubris. I’ll concede that there are obvious downsides to Alinar’s retribution; the long-term consequences of Korbulon’s wrath, though, are clearly more destructive.”
Korbulon himself seems indifferent to his inclusion in the current waste management regime.
“MAN SHALL FALL,” Korbulon boomed to reporters during a press conference from his pit of endless destruction. “RECYCLING, COMPOST, AND TRASH ARE TRIFLES IN THE EVER-HUNGRY MOUTH OF KORBULON. IN TIME, ALL WILL SUCCUMB TO MIGHTY KORBULON.”
Korbulon’s next wave of terror is expected to come at the summer solstice in June.