“Voldemort went to Stanford,” boast the cheeky graphic tees that the Berkeley quidditch team loves to flaunt. What a fun gag, to pin He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named as an alum of our university’s bitter rival. Ha! Ha! Ha! Voldemort went to Stanford. The quidditch team probably applauds themselves for this bit that actually sells yes, people buy these shirts to wear, to declare their love of the magical world of Harry Potter and of their prestigious university! I bet they all chuckle a little when they put them on, shaking their heads and smiling at the simplicity of such a devastating insult, to imply that a twisted villain is a product of the institution we despise. Voldemort went to Stanford. My own mother saw this t-shirt and laughed at its wit. Voldemort went to Stanford. Are you laughing now? Voldemort went to Stanford. Do you feel better about yourself? Voldemort went to Stanford. Do you feel better about your school now that you’ve implied it was not the choice university of a fictional antagonist? Voldemort went to Stanford. Have you ever even stopped to consider the implications of this analogy? Voldemort went to Stanford. Don’t you realize that your actions have consequences? 

Voldemort went to Stanford. None of you can see. 

It is painful to realize that I, and I alone, possess the genius to comprehend things as they truly are, to rise above the proletariat and the brainwashed masses. I am a lone wolf not entirely unlike Remus Lupin, member of the Marauders, the Order of the Phoenix, one-time Hogwarts professor and beloved friend of the Potters.

This message, this godforsaken message emblazoned across the quidditch team’s starchy tees, implies that Voldemort attended Stanford University as opposed to UC Berkeley. In the world of Harry Potter, Voldemort also went to school. It was one of the most prominent wizarding schools in the world, a school so well-established that despite bringing up one of the greatest snake-cosplaying mass-murderers to ever grace literature’s page, it still maintained full attendance and even raised his eventual conquerors. Harry Potter. Hermione Granger. Ron Weasley. Seamus Finnigan. Luna Lovegood. Albus Dumbledore. All of our heroes went to the same university that Voldemort attended. So to maintain the Berkeley quidditch team analogy, not only did Voldemort attend Stanford, so did basically every other witch and wizard ever mentioned in the books, because they all went to Hogwarts. 

The shirts imply that Stanford is Hogwarts. 

This is such a glaringly obvious inconsistency that it’s upsetting that I’m the first to bring this to light. Yet such is life; few have the courage to go against the mainstream quidditch media and stand up for the truth. Sorry for waking you up to the lies you’ve been living; welcome to the real world. I know, it’s not a pretty sight. 

Reflect on your follies, if you so decide. And pray we are never made fools of on this scale again.

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