Hi everyone! I’m writing this in response to a problem I’ve faced all too frequently. Many people, especially men, like to call me quirky. I understand. I have bangs and glasses. I play the ukulele. And I have four pairs of overalls: one vintage denim, one distressed denim (there’s a difference!), one corduroy, and one velvet. However, it usually comes across as incredibly reductive. Men assume that I can fill a particular role in their lives, usually that of the m*nic p*xie dr*am g*rl. Usually, when they attempt to do this, I try to correct them. Unfortunately, I keep forgetting that men are only capable of processing about ⅓ of the information they hear at any given time. For that reason, I decided that I will play this role for them — for a price. Men, if you’ve continued reading, here are your options.
$30: This is your basic package. For $30, you can watch me trimming my bangs. This usually happens every two weeks, but if you can stress me out enough, you might up the frequency! This is highly likely, as the type of men who I expect to use this service regularly stress me out.
$45: Everything in the basic package is included, except now, I will also wear a vintage dress whenever we interact. Throw in an extra $5 and you can choose one of the following for me to randomly carry during our dates: chunky headphones, my ukulele, or a well loved notebook.
NOTE: If you choose the ukulele option, I will NOT replicate the video of Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt playing “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve” with you, no matter how much you pay me.
$60: I will also learn a non-threatening amount of knowledge about your favorite artist, who I assume is Mac Demarco, Tyler the Creator, or Rex Orange County. I will kindly pretend that you are the first man on earth to hear “Loving Is Easy.”
$75: I’ll tell you that your podcast will blow up any day now.
$90: I will let you act as though I can fix all your problems. Does your father not support your efforts to become the next Tarantino? Do you want to move out of your apartment because your dumb roommate totally missed the point of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Did your psycho ex girlfriend listen to Taylor Swift? That’s okay! Lucky for you, I’m happy to ignore my own problems and hear all about yours.
$150: I will book your first therapy appointment and we will cease all contact.