BERKELEY, Calif. — In a recently-leaked email, GBO Steering Committee chair Jeffrey Cass claimed that this year’s orientation has exceeded all prior expectations.

“Everybody should pat themselves on the back,” Cass wrote to other committee members. “The numbers show that we’ve knocked it out of the park. This year’s incoming freshman and junior transfers can find, on average, a whopping two buildings on campus, up 100% from last year! The typical freshman has walked nearly three marathons! And, of course, we should give special credit to Dr. O’Reilly’s Oski Defense Taskforce (ODT). Thanks to those extra-strength bear traps you set out, the beast (in all His glory) has only taken three freshmen for his annual sacrifice! Great job!”

Fellow committee member Professor James Page expressed similar relief.

“Most years, the Golden Bear rampage isn’t so forgiving. Oski lurks campus during the day, striking fear into the hearts of students-to-be with his wide-grinned, wide-eyed stare, the expression frozen as though sewn onto his face. He tucks his bleach-white gloves gently behind his back; he lays in wait,” Page told some horrified freshman who had just rolled down 4.0 Hill for the first time. “Oh well, though. It’s still safer than Greek life, or being a woman in engineering, or cramming a bunch of new students together during a pandemic, so I guess there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Oski corroborated such claims.

“This fucker’s gotta eat,” Oski mimed to an unsuspecting crowd gathered in front of Bowles. “Hell, if they name the event after me, I should at least get some fresh meat out of it. I’ve been here longer than any human, and I’ll be here long after man’s folly has rendered him gone.” His mime morphed into a cartwheel-heavy dance routine. “I can be stopped, but your leaders still see me as the clown. I am Pagliacci.”

At press time, Oski was seen hiding behind Sather Gate with a cartoonishly-large hammer and butterfly net.

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