Berkeley

14 Things That Would Definitely Happen To Berkeley In The Case Of A Bay Area Earthquake

Wealth and Poverty will still require you to attend lecture and use iClickers.

In the event a massive earthquake hits the Bay Area, what will happen to all of us?

  1. The Campanile will fall and land pointing toward Mecca
  2. Hearst pool will crack and spill out onto Bancroft creating a flood on the street like in Big Fat Liar
  3. The Greek Theatre will be conquered by The Ramones for a benefit concert
  4. The 51B will continue to trudge through the rubble in a heroic effort to keep our campus moving. Thank you, bus driver.
  5. Doe Library will sink and reveal catacombs holding the remains of thousands of mummified robot food delivery systems of a startups past, like Lycheebot
  6. Action Bronson will hold a charity event on the remains of Sproul and throw chicken at everyone
  7. People will be looting GBC for all the green books and all the Pure Leaf tea they can hold
  8. Wealth and Poverty will still require you to attend lecture and use iClickers
  9. Everyone immediately forgets about Notre Dontcare
  10. Carol Christ declares war on tectonic plates, starting with a reciprocating attack on the Hayward Fault and then continuing on to drilling in to the San Andreas
  11. BART shoots up from the underground, breaching Shattuck like a beautiful blue whale. Only to come crashing down onto SkyDeck and destroy the hopes and dreams of many young entrepreneurs. Fortunately, it misses Jupiter and saves the Quasars
  12. Everyone in the Earthquakes class will get an A
  13. Everyone from Orinda and Walnut Creek will go back to Orinda and Walnut Creek, respectively.
  14. Student Action still won’t win an election

These will all happen, and we know because we’re scientists.

““”Behold, the Underminer! I’m always beneath you, but nothing is beneath me! I hereby declare war on peace and happiness! Soon, all will tremble before me!”—The Underminer”—The Incredibles”—Michael Scott”

 

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