Are you going to Coachella this weekend?  It’s imperative that you email your Professors and GSI’s a valid excuse for your upcoming absence from class, which will truthfully be due to a drug-fueled wonder party, but you can’t actually be honest about it! Here’s an example email that’s sure to work on your teachers.

Dearest (Insert Professor Name),

I was recently informed that my second-cousins in Cambridge are expecting a child, a young boy who will be their firstborn and rightful heir to the family estate. I implored Jocelyn to take a paternity test, as she has been oh-so cozy with the pool boy as of late, but she has vehemently denied my requests. She is so hot-headed, that Jocelyn. Mother has been indignant toward my studies this year – she does not appreciate my indifferent attitude toward the rigor of my academic schedule. Surely you understand, Professor. I am between a rock and a hard place, as those jolly Californians would say. Nonetheless, I fear that I am rambling on and miscommunicating the true nature of my message to you.

Ever since my adolescence, I have been infected with a horrid sickness around the same time each year. This year, I believe that the symptoms will arrive on April 18th, and will last till the 30th. I know that it is a tad confusing that I naturally know when this sickness will occur, but truly no one knows my own body better than myself. Father always said that it made me appear prickly to my peers – it gives me pause during many of my daydreams, to say the least.

For these reasons, I hope that my extended absence will be marked as excused rather than unexcused. Sister Mary would be quite cross if this were to affect my transcript – I have worked very hard this year to stay above a 2.3 GPA. Jocelyn would be mildly disappointed as well, if that has any affect on you, Professor. Her affections toward her child may very well rest upon my spindly shoulders. I beg of you, do not be hasty in your decision-making, as I will be on the verge of death for almost five whole days.

Sincerely, (Insert Your Name)

P.s. I have attached a picture of Jocelyn’s ultrasound to show you that I will indeed be sick during this time. Please look over it carefully.

See? All you have to do is insert your name in the blank spaces and you will be good to go! You’re welcome! Let us do the hard work of writing, you’re going to Coachella baby.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.