BERKELEY, Calif. – The blinding whiteness of the gaunt basement-bound EECS major’s butt has long typified Berkeley’s greatest tradition, the Naked Run. But has this time-honored tradition finally found a match? A skinclad successor has been coronated: my own sprint from the dorm shower back to my room after I forgot a towel. 

Onlookers were eager to recount the festivities: “You know one of those found photos of Bigfoot in the woods, where like he’s little blurry but there’s just a little too much body hair to say ‘that’s some guy in a suit?’” ruminated freshman Zack Re-Blue. “It was completely disorienting––I couldn’t tell what I was looking at, maybe a fisherman’s net full of elbows? I never believed in God before, but the mere verbiage of man cannot describe what I just saw.” 

Some, like Unit 2 RA Ward Hogg, lamented the timing: “Ridiculous. You forgot to take a towel to the dorm shower? Simply shave off your body hair (yes, including eyebrows) and knit together a codpiece. I mean this look is completely unacceptable. I WILL be sending the offender’s mom the polaroid I took of the event for our floor corkboard.” 

Others rejoiced at the inauguration of this new tradition. Spectator Stan Frank-Cisco detailed: “When do you get to witness the beautiful birth of new dorm folklore? Mark the date–whatevertober the somethingteenth–as Interdormal Naked Run Day! You’d have to kill me to get me into Main Stacks anyway. This is so much more convenient!”

Campus janitorial services commended the new tradition: “We’re all for a new Naked Run 2 between the shower and your dorm,” mused Leon Tchotchke, head custodian of Bancroft Library. “You know how many of those little Febreeze wall-plug thingies it takes to get out the Computer Science musk alone out of our paperbacks? That’s without even considering the full hazmat setup we have to use after the PoliEcon kids make their rounds. Just wear the aluminum deodorant guys–ANY deodorant.” 

Early sources within the University of California accounting services rumor that $66,590.89 had been removed from club funding so that ASUC could fund a bronze statue of the streaker. 

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