Spaghetti sucks, and not just because I mess up the spelling every time I try. Spahgettee is what the winner of the “who can make the most difficult to eat and hold the least amount of sauce noodle challenge” noodle would look like. I am serious, try to think of a shape that would be harder to eat than the spagatti noodle. It’s impossible. Almost as impossible as taking a bite of spageetah without slapping sauce all over yourself, not to mention the cleanup. It takes a bath towel and a carwash to get all that sauce off of me.Spoogatti boxes should come equipped with a Tide stick.

Why is it such a prevalent noodle? For some reason all of America decided that this would be our ideal noodle. Tall and skinny, now it makes sense.

The spajhetti noodle is really a destructive extension of America’s toxic body image culture. Disgusting I agree.

I bet Italy thinks America is dumb because America eats spugatty and tells the rest of the countries not to eat it but then tells America its cool to eat it and then all the other countries laugh at America who thinks it’s cool to eat svajetty. It seems to be everyone’s go-to noodle when tasked with making pasta. I think people just make it because of meatballs. You can definitely eat meatballs with other noodles, though. Or just plain. The shapakjfkasjfk just makes it worse.

I wrote a bit of poetry about sbaghetti:

You can not stab it with a spork. To twist it takes too much torque. Who made this trash, the Duke of York? The flavor tastes a lot like cork. I would not feed it to my Swedish dog, bjork.

Not only that, it is the worst to cook too. It can’t even all fit in the pot at one time. You have to cook half of it and get it all flaccid and slimy before the other half of the devoodle (devil+noodle) can enjoy the hedonistic salted hot water bath. The alternative to this is breaking the spaghetti in half, pretty much proving that the noodle is faulty in the first place. Checkmate, thank you, logic. You know what, Zpaghetti boxes should come with a warning that there is “some disassembly required” before use.

Also, there is always that kid who puts it in his nose, through his nasal cavity and out of the mouth hole. What?

So you may be asking what noodle should I use instead of the horrible spaghettilli? The easy answer is: literally any other noodle. A couple of my favorites include cavatappi, penne, farfalle, ravioli (a noodle with help, really unfair to include in the group), tortellini (same), campanelle (go bears huh?), fusilli, gemelli, manicotti and genovese. That last one is not even a noodle but actually one of the “Five Families” of organized crime in New York and New Jersey, but you thought it was a noodle. I would still rather join the Genovese family than eat spaghetti. That way I could put a “hit” on spigatti producers everywhere. Then I could be the sole producer of spighetti and charge enormous amounts to restaurants. Sure, I would be creating the very noodle I despise, but money talks.

Fuck outta here spieghfattier!

Down with spaghetti!


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