Local News

Top Four Places To Send Refugees From Florida Once Everything Fucking Floods

Because climate change isn't real, right?

With climate change growing, the Environmental Protection Agency finally decided to give up on a state we all gave up on long, long, long ago: Florida. However, as a part of the Green New Deal, the U.S. government is tasked with allotting the citizens of Florida to seek asylum in different states across the country. National debates have been held to determine where these Floridian refugees are going to end up, and we at The Free Peach have taken it upon ourselves to determine which states deserve this plague of people.

People from Miami, FL will be sent to California, but evenly distributed amongst the Kardashian Residences. Remember that time Khloe and Kourtney went to Miami? Well now, the U.S. government is bringing Miami to them! The two ladies may have kids now, but it doesn’t mean they still cannot be emotionally and physically destructive in the comfort of their own homes. Besides, who doesn’t love a good trashy reunion?

Alabama will be accepting refugees from Jacksonville, Florida. Although moving across state lines in times of environmental crisis can be shocking to a community, we wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible. Therefore, Alabama begrudgingly takes in the big red city to let fellow Republicans acclimate amongst their own kind. When two places no one cares about unite, who knows what can happen.

Old people who went to Boca Raton, Florida to retire from cities on the East Coast will be forced to un-retire and sent to work for Amazon in Seattle, Washington. Sorry Gale and Earl, but global warming shows no mercy to our silver senior society residing in the beaches of Florida. We’re sending some of our most fragile citizens to arguably one of the most active and fit cities in the United States because sometimes it’s fun to switch things up! Concerned that the elderly won’t be able to afford Seattle rent on their retirement funds? Don’t be! We’ve taken care of everything by providing our most valued generation minimum wage jobs working for Jeff Bezos at Amazon. Why would anyone want to relax when they can work for a notably friendly and pro-worker benefits company like Amazon?

All other Floridians will be required to seek asylum in Pennsylvania. The two states who had the most fun in ruining the 2016 Presidential Election will join forces to make literally the worst state possible. The progressive American population is fed up with dividing and allotting their hate amongst two different states, so to make things more convenient, the government will center liberal concentration on the state with the most unreliable electoral votes. Pennsylvania may have been the #2 territory to achieve statehood in the United States, but in regard to disasters, they’re #1 to us.

Although there were many states left out of the map for Floridian refugees, the U.S. government expects all citizens to take part in ensuring these newly endangered peoples are protected and safe from global climate change. It’s not their fault they were born in Florida, and it is our responsibility to treat their unfortunate circumstance as an opportunity for change.

 

0 comments on “Top Four Places To Send Refugees From Florida Once Everything Fucking Floods

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: