BERKELEY, Calif. — Many of our readers are intimately acquainted with the fun little sense of panic UC Berkeley instills upon its students after informing them they will not receive housing accommodations past the standard year long stint in a comfortable Unit 3 triple. While some are lucky enough to transition to life in co-op sponsored housing, Greek houses, or even houses owned by local landlords, the rest of us are forced to get on our knobby little knees and beg Premium fucking Properties for a spot in one of their houses. 

Berkeley real estate empire Premium Properties (who have requested to be referred to as Supreme Real Estate Overlords, a request which has been acknowledged by the writers at The Free Peach but denied at our own mortal peril) recently released new guidelines for existing rental agreements, originally claiming that “due to inflation,” they would be requiring “a half of a bucket of semen in addition to rent, as a precautionary measure.” When pressed for the exact threat against which half a bucket of cum would be of use, Premium Properties agent Zion Boyer stated: “It’s nothing your little vermin brain could comprehend. Don’t worry about it.”

After astonishingly little backlash against the new requirement, Boyer stated Thursday: “Hey, everyone. We really thought there would be more blowback on this new precautionary measure, but I’m getting the impression you dirty little cumsluts are so desparate for housing you will do anything for us! So we’re increasing everyone’s rent by 500%. Also, we’re now requiring a full gallon sized bucket of cum per month. If you’re mad about anything, feel free to leave! Known sex traffikers Raj Properties are always looking for more people willing to live in their rental properties!”

Sophomore Andrew McKinnon, a tenant at a local apartment managed by Premium Properties, claims that he “genuinely will have nowhere to go if I get kicked out of this fucking lease. I don’t care if they make me send in several of my back molars — I need housing. To be completely transparent, I’ve already promised Premium Properties my sister’s unborn child — they’ll let me halve my cum bucket requirement if it’s a boy! Don’t tell her, though. I need housing. It’ll all be worth it for this degree, right? Right? Right?”

While The Free Peach doesn’t condone the exchange of bodily fluids for money, we also need somewhere to live, and have to finish this article soon because the end of the month is approaching quickly and we don’t even have a quarter of the bucket filled yet.

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